Team News

The Bobblehead Bobbles for Sue! And Kevin!

By Pedregoso Rios
The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is doing a two-fer today, bobblin' for Sue Klinkhamer, owner of A Team to be Named Later... and the Natsox, and bobblin for Kevin Klinkhamer, owner of Dongwhipped, both of whom are celebrating birthdays today.

Susie's been having a rough season. She jumped in to the year by securing two teams, but neither team gained much traction. A Team... is sitting in 31st place today while her Natsox are in 45th. Having said that, Susie's passion for the league seems indefatigable (see also "This league sucks!&rdquoWinking and her love of baseball is contagious (see also "As long as the Mets are contending."). We hope her bad breaks this season don't take the bloom off her roses of passion and love for the league. Happy Birthday, Susie!!! The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce bobbles for you:

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Kevin, meanwhile, has been having a rollercoaster year. He's in 22nd overall and 3rd in the Chowder-Suck Division, but for a while it looked like he would really compete in both. After making what appeared to be sweet trades to pick up Dye, Morneau, Bruce, and Ibanez, it turned out that it was his decision to drop Fielder in April that has really hurt the 'whipped. Kevin's a gamer, though, so we're pretty certain he'll be game next year. Happy Birthday, Kevin!!! The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce bobbles for you:

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Wait! The Bobblehead Bobbles for Suzie!!!

By Pedregoso Rios

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Wait! I almost forgot! Today, the Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin' for league leader Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle, owner of Who’s On First?, who's celebrating a birthday today! If you don't know her story by now, it's worth a recap: Perennial SLPL league doormat selects awesome roster, competes well early, takes the lead about two months in, gains a big lead, maintains the big lead for a few months, nearly loses the lead with just over a month of the season left, and now is fighting to sustain her lead and scrape some serious coin off the table. So, on this day, while she continues fighting to win the big money, the league gives a big shout out to Suzie and wishes her the best of birthdays.

Happy Birthday, Suzie!!!

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$20 Trades Are Now In Effect

By Pedregoso Rios

$20 Trades2

The title says it all.

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The Bobblehead Is Bobblin' for Mac & Co.

By Pedregoso Rios

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The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ today for Guzzlyn Suds owner Steve McNelley and his wife Julie, who are celebrating the arrival of a seven pound, six ounce bundle of boy/joy, Colin James McNelley this weekend. Colin’s dad hasn’t been much of a force to be reckoned with this season, sitting in the middle of the pack much of the year, but hat’s forgivable considering that he’s been doing his best to put a lid on all the Chicago Blackhawks offseason madness while preparing for Colin’s arrival. We expect big things from Steve next season. And rookie Anna Pankoke, the infant owner of Santa Anna’s, has already sent Colin communique telling him that she’s hoping that he joins the league next year.

Congratulations Steve & Julie! And welcome to this big-eyed curiosity we call a planet, Colin!

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Julie, Colin and Steve McNelley

By the way, yes, Julie’s hospital gown features a lettuce print.

Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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Klinkhamer Goes Furrow In New League

By Pedregoso Rios
Dogwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer has become the Rube Furrow of a new fantasy football league starting this year, the Fox Valley Fantasy Football League. It’s an eight-team league that held its draft last night in Geneva, IL. Seven of the teams are owned by current SLPL owners. Kevin’s the commish.

There’s no real news here. I just mention it ‘cause I’m pleased with my draft. Oh, and because the other owners wanted me to broadcast far and wide the fact that Guzzlyn Suds owner Steve McNelley took Kurt Warner as his first pick.

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The Bobblehead Is Bobblin' for Eddie

By Pedregoso Rios

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The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ today for Cameltowing Inc. owner David “Eddie” Edison, who’s celebrating a birthday. The past-champ is sitting fairly comfortably in 2nd place Overall and is trying to position himself for another late-season/playoff run to become the first repeat champ in the SLPL. Many have tried and failed before...will he be the first to succeed?

Happy Birthday, Eddie!

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Wow

By Pedregoso Rios
Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle’s Who’s On First? has been in first place for two months. I guess it’s time to start taking her seriously.

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Anna Finishes 5K; Julie Helps

By Pedregoso Rios
The littlest and youngest owner in the history of the SLPL, Santa Anna’s owner Anna Pankoke, continues to impress the rest of humanity by successfully completing her first 5K just five months after her birth. After a tough, several-month training regimen that included training her own mother, Bauer’s Bandits owner Julie Pankoke--who was also completing her first 5K--Anna rode her specially fitted running stroller across the finish line in under 33 minutes, beating her stated goal by over 27 minutes. “I did it!” Anna gurgled shortly after the Viking Sunset 5K in Geneva Wednesday night. “But I owe it all to my mom, who was with me every step of the way. When I told her I wanted to run the race, my mom said she’d do whatever she could to make it happen. And she did! I’m so proud of her.” Reports say Anna took the event in stride, effortlessly completing the race while napping for much of it and rooting her mom on the rest of the way.

Congrats to the racing team of Pankoke & Pankoke!

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Anna Pankoke at the Viking Sunset 5K, with Julie Pankoke in tow

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Anna, crossing the finish line
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The Bobblehead Is Bobblin' for The Pipe

By Pedregoso Rios

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The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ today for Fetacelli Rats owner Michael Pieper, who celebrates a birthday today. The Pipe’s Rats haven’t been very competitive this year, but that’s forgivable since the dude’s been fairly busy planning for his October 10th wedding. I mean, you wouldn’t want to be too worried about playoff baseball during a wedding and honeymoon, now would you?

Happy Birthday, Pieper!

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The Bobblehead Is Bobblin' for Jules

By Pedregoso Rios

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The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ today for Bauer’s Bandits owner Julie Pankoke, who’s celebrating a birthday. Julie’s not been very active in the league this season since becoming disillusioned after falling fast from the top of the league after the first week, but we’ll give her a pass since she’s also been rather busy raising the cutest damn owner in the league, Santa Anna’s owner Anna Pankoke. In related news, word has it that Julie carries absolutely no resentment toward Anna since Anna took Julie’s crown as Cutest Damn Owner In the League, thereby making Julie the runner-up.

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Despite A Lame Game for SLPL, Six Co-Champs Crowned

By Pedregoso Rios

All Star Banner

Remember how pissed off we all were when the All-Star Game ended in a tie several years ago? Well, yeah, that. Last night’s All-Star game produced two SLPL pitchers who threw strikeouts and two SLPL hitters who struck out. There were no home runs either way. For comparison, last season my Excel spreadsheet could barely accommodate all the columns I had to add for all the K’s in the game, by both pitchers and hitters. And there was even a dong. Best of all, last season we had a single winner. This season? Not so much.

Okay, okay, I’ll try to show some enthusiasm for the rest of the entry, I promise...

The upside of last night’s game is that the Santa Lechuga Power League crowned six--count ‘em, six!--All-Star Co-Champs. The co-champs are: Bleed Blue’s Brandon Olivarria, Chowder Clam’s Marc Cabrera & Laith Agha, Forty Ounce Guzzlers’ Scott Forstner, Hahnyacher’s Vince Livernois, Tacky Cardias’ Dan Klinkhamer, and Who’s On First?’s Suzie Rochellle. For having squeezed 50 points out of last night’s anemic game--in addition to the 250 Home Run Derby points Monday night--these six teams get to split $150, which means those six teams have just covered the cost of their ownership fees.

Meanwhile, the SLPL Rules Committee has convened an emergency meeting this morning to figure out how to apply the Magic Number principle to the All-Star Game in future seasons. Recall that the Magic Number is intended to break the logjam of ties by reducing the number of owners who tie while increasing the size of the payout checks for winners. One idea being floated is, only in the event of a tie, to apply the Magic Number to the winning pitcher’s jersey number. If this rule had been in place this season, you’d use Papelbon jersey number, 58; since our Magic Numbers only go up to 31, we'd add the 5 and 8 together to get 13. That would mean that Scott Forstner, with Magic Number 13, would have received extra points and would have been crowned sole champ. (Sorry we didn’t have the foresight to have this rule in place already Scott!)

The further upside? The second half of the season begins tomorrow.

Speaking of which, if you want to make $10 trades, make ‘em before the first pitch tomorrow. If you want a player active and on your roster for tomorrow’s games, make your trade before midnight tonight. Trades go up to $15 after the first pitch of tomorrow’s first game.

Congrats to our co-champs!

Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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From the Commissioner: At the All-Star Break

By Rube Furrow
So the Giants are 10 games over .500 at the All-Star break, Jonathan Sanchez has pitched the most improbable no-hitter in history, Albert Pujols did not win the Home Run Derby and Suzie Rochellle is enjoying Europe content in the knowledge that she’s leading the Santa Lechuga Power League.

Has the space-time continuum gone kablooey? Has the universe been sucked into a black hole? Has the current administration poisoned our water systems with hallucinogenics?

I mean, really! Suzie Rochellle dominating the SLPL at midseason? There is no plausible explanation for this. During the entire proud 125-year history of SLPL, Suzie’s teams have been traditional bottom-dwellers.

This is such a suspicious turn of events that I, in my position as commissioner, have launched a full-scale investigation into the matter. I have selected a qualified and expensive Blue-Ribbon Committee to look into the Suzie Rochellle Scandal and I expect a full report on my desk by the end of the month.

Other than the Suzie Rochellle Scandal, the SLPL appears to be in great shape this year. Rube Furrow’s own team, Willie Bobs, has successfully cemented its year-long position as the 39th best team in the league, a team called “Pathetics” (Ray Jasutis) is actually leading its division, and two newcomers to the league (Nate Meyers' Apocalypse Dudes and Mark Merfeld's Shankopotamus) are in the top-five overall at midseason.

VP of Creepy Pedregoso Rios seems to be impressed that SLPL has more than $2,200 in the payout pot so far, which means that lots of teams have been making lots of trades. Commissioner Rube Furrow is not quite so impressed, mainly because the league is in arrears by about $1,500 at midseason, which means that lots of teams have been making a lot of trades but not paying for them. (Hint: Pay early and pay often.)

Kudos to Pedregoso for a great SLPL Web presence this year. We’re twittered in, up to date and the best damn fantasy league in the world, because we say we are.

Have a great second half.

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Wha-? Huh? Part 3

By Pedregoso Rios
So where the hell my Pepino Monos go? The last time I checked on them they were hanging around the top tenners, enjoying the occasional creep into 7th place. But then, somehow, they dropped all the way to 19th place. This morning they’re in 18th. I suspect it’s a refusal to drop the likes of a Nate McLouth from my roster that’s done it in for my Monos this week. Depressive.

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Wha-? Huh? Part 2

By Pedregoso Rios
So where the hell did Kathy Livernois’ G.O.P.d Their Pants come from? The last time I checked on them they were lounging uncomfortably amongst the middle-of-the-pack riff-raff, doing nothing to distinguish themselves. But then, somehow, they made a huge jump in the standings all the way to tenth place. This morning they’re in sixth. I suspect it’s the combo of Berkman, Braun, Fielder, and two players that she picked up in trades earlier this month that’s done it for Kathy’s G.O.P.d this week. Impressive.

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Wha-? Huh?

By Pedregoso Rios
So where the hell did Dan Klinkhamer’s Tacky Cardias come from? The last time I checked on them they were lounging uncomfortably amongst the middle-of-the-pack riff-raff, doing nothing to distinguish themselves. But then, somehow, they made a huge jump in the standings all the way to fourth place. This morning they’re in third. I suspect it’s the combo of Berkman, Braun, Cabrerra, and Utley that’s done it for Dan’s Cardias this week. Impressive.

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Anyone Picking Up The Scent Here?

By Pedregoso Rios
By holding the top spot for 22 out of the last 23 days, Who’s On First’s Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle has sort of really blown our minds. When she took over the top spot, we thought it was a mirage. We thought it was a fluke. We thought it couldn’t last. We thought she’d drop like an anchor. But there she’s been, dominating the league for over three weeks.

But there may be an opening.

Suzie’s leaving for Europe on Sunday and will be gone for a spell. We don’t know if she’ll even have Internet access to track for injuries while she’s gone. Anyone picking up the scent here? Know what I’m saying? Comprende?

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Hey, All You Fathers Out There (But Especially Aaron Pankoke)...

By Pedregoso Rios
...the Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ for all of you.

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Happy Father’s Day!

And here’s a special message to Aaron Pankoke, owner of The Strokes, who’s not only celebrating his first Father’s Day with his daughter, Anna Pankoke, owner of Santa Anna’s, but is also celebrating a birthday today. Happy Father’s/Birth Day, Aaron! The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is working overtime to bobble for you, man:

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Pack Up Your Hand Warmers, Heavy Coats, Wool Socks, and Ear Muffs

Suzie Fricken! Rochellle’s Who’s On First? is now in first place.

Hell has officially frozen over.

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Bobblin' for Bill

By Pedregoso Rios
The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ for Full Circuits owner Bill Cunning, who’s celebrating a birthday today...

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Happy Birthday, Bill!

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Crazy Times

By Pedregoso Rios
These are crazy days. Suzie Fricken Rochellle’s Who’s On First? is now in 2nd place in the Overall standings. The woman who one season chose a roster made up exclusively of Asian (or Asian-sounding) players is in 2nd place. Her. The woman who this season chose nothing but first basemen for hitters ... and still hasn’t made a trade. That lady. She’s in 2nd place. Crazy, I tell you. It makes the rest of us owners want to blow our top.

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Suzie Fricken Rochellle
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The Real Sign of the Apocalypse

By Pedregoso Rios
This here blog is sitting on some good submissions from a couple Klinkhamers, but we gotta get this out of the way while it’s still breaking news...

While Nate Meyer’s Apocalypse Dudes are sitting in 1st place, the real sign of the apocalypse may very well be the fact that Suzie Rochellle -- yes, Suzie Fricken Rochellle! -- and her Who’s On First are in 3rd place in the Overall standings. With a quarter of the season done, 3rd place. Suzie Fricken Rochellle! I mean, her teams have sucked so much in the past that she considered changing her name to Oreck. And there she is today, in 3rd place.

Awesome. Go, Suzie, go!

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Bleed-T-Birds Division Mention

By Pedregoso Rios
Cameltowing, Inc., owner David Edison--who’s in the midst of enjoying a recent and sudden rise from mid-pack to 2nd place overall--points out that his whole durn division is doing pretty durn well. “Hey,” Eddie asked, “how about a mention for the Bleed-T-Birds Division, the division with four teams in the top seven of the Overall Standings?” Consider it mentioned!

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Santa Lechuga Bus Wrecks

By Pedregoso Rios
Joe Livernois, owner of the Willie Bobs, has changed the name of his team several times over the years. One season it was The Sunni Triangles. Another it was the Wretched Media Weasels. He’s also gone with Bonobo Love. There was that season as Pedregoso’s Rectum. And he’s been the Bobs of Bereavement.

What some may not remember is that Joe’s team spent two seasons known as the Santa Lechuga Bus Wrecks. Creepy, that. (Creepier still, Soledad is just 3.5 miles down Mal Accidente Road from Santa Lechuga.)

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Zambrano, Magic Number Put Fetacelli Rats Atop Power-Hitting Pitchers Standings

By Pedregoso Rios
With a home run on April 28th, the first this year by a pitcher on an SLPL roster, Carlos Zambrano propelled Michael Pieper’s Fetacelli Rats into first place in the Power-Hitting Pitchers Standings. Eight other teams have Zambrano on their rosters, but only Pieper had Magic Number 28, which gave him an extra 20 points for matching the date on which the dong was hit.

Since this is the first homer by a pitcher this season, now’s a good time to remind owners of our Power-Hitting Pitching rules:

Power-Hitting Pitchers points will be awarded to teams whose pitchers perform rare feats opposite their specialty. So, pitchers on your pitching roster will be awarded points for hitting a home run. (In 2004, this category was known as Bonus Points.)
  • Pitchers earn 20 points for hitting a home run. Additional points may be awarded, depending on the Magic Number.
  • Pitchers earn 50 points if the home run is a grand slam. Additional points may be awarded, depending on the Magic Number.
Points earned in this category are allocated exclusively to the Power-Hitting Pitcher Standings and are not allocated to the Overall standings.

In Other News
League bigwigs are thrilled with the lively trading activity this early season and have reallocated some of the Regular Season and Overall champ payouts to All-Star, Hitting, Pitching and Power-Hitting Pitching champs. Those payouts jumped by $25 to a total of $100 apiece.

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Monos Update

By Pedregoso Rios
The Pepino Monos have not cancelled games due to the swine flu. Instead, team officials announced that fans attending games at Santa Lechuga’s Endive Stadium will receive free surgical face masks for the next three home stands.

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Balance Redux

By Pedregoso Rios
It’s worth noting that yesterday’s lesson showing the need to balance solid pitching with hitting has already been taken to heart by some owners. The Apocalypse Dudes, who moved into 1st place Overall today, will get some pitching help after Nate Meyers dropped Sabathia and Webb and picked up Greinke and Haren. On making the trades, Nate said: “I strive for more balance. Well, more balance and first place.”

Meanwhile, the Merfelds are making pitching moves, too. Kevin and Mark dropped some deadweight on their pitching staffs, with Kevin justifying his El Hombre’s trade by saying: “Because I have eight more points than Brandon Webb this year. And my fastball tops out at 70 when I try to knock down milk bottles at the Carnival.” Mark’s Shankopotamus are currently in 12th place Overall and Kevin’s El Hombres are in 32nd place.

With 41 $5 trades made so far this season, the pot has grown by $205 since Opening Day and currently sits at $1,365. The $5 trade expires at midnight EST Wednesday, May 6th.

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League How-To: Balance Hitting & Pitching

By Pedregoso Rios
Last season’s Pitching Champ Scott Forstner is showing how a combination of decent hitting and superior pitching can make a difference in this league. His Forty Ounce Guzzlers are only in 4th place in the Hitting standings this season, but they are 1st in Pitching and have been in 1st Overall for the past five days.

To really see why the combination of good hitting and pitching is so important, take a look at Nate Meyers’ Apocalypse Dudes. While in 1st in Hitting, the Dudes are in 26th place in Pitching, dropping them to 2nd Overall, 17 points behind the Guzzlers. Or, consider the Carrboro T-Birds, owned by Brian, Adrian & Benjamin Thornburg, They’re in 2nd place in Hitting but 40th place in pitching, dropping them to 8th place Overall.

The lesson to be learned? Make sure you’ve got balance.

Incidentally, the Thornburgs appear to be learning this lesson. Three of the four trades they’ve made so far this season have been pitching moves.

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Our Bad

By Pedregoso Rios
In his 4/14 “Welcome From The Santa Lechuga Commish!,” SLPL Head-Honcho Rube Furrow inadvertently forgot to welcome his favorite new owner, Santa Anna’s owner Anna Pankoke. Despite the fact that she’s easy to overlook -- heck, she’s a teeny-tiny ten weeks old -- Rube and his editors are sincerely sorry for failing to personally welcome Anna and her Santa Anna’s into the league. She is seriously, wonderfully welcome in this league and we apologize for missing her earlier. Our bad.

Anna James
Santa Anna’s Owner Anna Pankoke

Incidentally, there’s no truth to the rumor that Anna’s parents, Julie (Bauer’s Bandits) and Aaron (Strokes), helped Anna select her roster by holding her over a large list of players so she could spit up on the names of the players she wanted. Whatever method she used to select her players seemed to work for her early in the season, with Anna reaching third place just a week ago. And though she’s in 26th place today, Julie and Aaron are said to be resenting Anna’s savant-like roster-picking skills.

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It Was Good To Be Me Yesterday

By Pedregoso Rios
It was a good day to be me yesterday. My Cleveland Indians went a long way to repair the pain of their horrendous early season start by absolutely crushing and embarrassing the New York Yankees yesterday at the new Yankee Stadium. And my Pepino Monos, for the first time since the SLPL began in the late 1800s, moved into first place in the Overall Standings.

Now, before you think I’m bragging, don’t. I know how fleeting all this is. Carl Pavano is on the mound for the Indians today and if there’s anyone who can re-open the gaping wound that is the Indians horrendous early season start, it’s Carl Pavano. And then there’s me, who in the course of a week can make as many as five boneheaded trades for mirage players who look good today but won’t hit another home run for the season.

No, I’m not bragging. I’m just going to allow myself to enjoy it until it all comes crashing down around me, which could be as early as today.

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Me, VP Of Creepy

By Pedregoso Rios
On a day in which Hatchetwound, owned by rookie David Adrian (aka SugarFree), took over first place in the Overall Standings, it seems appropriate to emphasize the creepy...

I, Pedregoso Rios, VP of Creepy of the Santa Lechuga Power League, couldn’t possibly continue to be called the VP of Creepy if I didn’t link to this article. If you are like me and enjoy accounts of vicious, horrible, tragic and brutal deaths and injuries at a baseball stadium, you’ll love this article.

And before you go thinking I’m sitting all comfy and stuff, safe from potential harm’s way, in the owner’s box during all of the Pepino Monos home games, check this out:

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Yep, those four seats are mine. (Don’t ask why the owner of the Momos can’t get *front* row seats at his own stadium; it’s a very long story having to do with an ill-advised very long night of drinking and gambling.) Note that I’m not behind any fancy-dancy screen. Note that I’m totally within striking distance of foul balls, flying bats or potential brawls I might be forced to provoke with players from the visiting team. Should I, the VP of Creepy, experience a vicious, horrible, tragic and brutal death while sitting in these seats, assume I was doing what I loved doing when I died. (Check that. Assume I was doing what I loved doing moments before I died; I kinda think I won’t love the part where the broken bat enters my forehead.) Deal?

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Welcome From The Santa Lechuga Commish!

By Rube Furrow
The crocus are abloom, the goats are birthing, and the infielders are adjusting their cups. Yes, it’s springtime in Santa Lechuga!

And, yes, the Santa Lechuga Power League is back for another season. Nearly bigger and most definitely better than ever. Thanks to SLPL VP of Creepy Pedregoso Rios, we’ve got a tasteful new Web presence. We’re Twittering. We’ve even got an inexplicable link to The Onion, the first of what will be lots of inexplicable links during the season.

Better yet, Commissioner Rube Furrow is thrilled that we’ve weeded out the deadbeats (whatever happened to Kenny Ottmar, anyway?). And we’ve replaced them with a terrific rookie class of owners who have enthusiastically paid their entry fees already. This pleases Rube greatly.

Rube welcomes the Merfelds, Mark and Kevin, despite their affinity for LA teams. Rube welcomes Dave Adrian, who Rube wouldn’t know from a hole in the ground but already admires due to his swift payment of the entry fee and due to his appropriate selection of a team name. Rube welcomes a past-owner back into the league, Scott Allen (or was that Allen Scott?) and hopes his ScootBigs do his name justice. Rube welcomes the Thornburg Boys--Brian, Adrian, and Benjamin--who have put their heads together to create a team that is already impressing the scouts. Rube welcomes Nate Meyers, who bit on Pedregoso's Facebook bait and chose a team name that we hope applies to a lot of our Hall-of-Famers. Rube welcomes Matt Ramirez and sends best wishes for a successful season to the Cougars (Kane County). Rube welcomes Ray Jasutis, who put the "pathetic" in Athletics. Rube welcomes Joe DeLeo and expects big things from his Batterbings. And Rube welcomes the Klinkhamer, Cline & Cline crew and hopes they ride their horses hard to a good finish.

And Rube welcomes back all our great competitors from the awesome 2008 season, including reigning champ Mark Olivarria.

Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders
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Restaurant Group Drops League Sponsorship; Divisions Renamed

By Pedregoso Rios
Eagled-eye owners probably noticed that the SLPL is not naming divisions after Lettuce Entertain You (LEY) restaurants (e.g., Ben Pao®, Café Barbareeba, Scoozi!, Wow Bao) anymore. LEY notified league officials that they had cancelled their league sponsorship while the officials dined at a Pete’s Hot Dogs in Santa Lechuga Tuesday afternoon. An inside source said that the officials freaked on hearing the news, causing three of them to simultaneously projectile-vomit pieces of hot dog on nearby walls and diners.

In other division news, the SLPL chose a different approach to splitting the teams into divisions. Rather than putting the team names into a ball cap and drawing them, as it had in previous years, the league decided to be lazy-butts this season and just alphabetized the teams into divisions -- seriously ... see for yourself -- then name the divisions by taking portions of names from two teams in each division. We’re partial to the Chowder-Suck Division, though the Guzz-Nats has a nice ring to it, too.

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And They're Off!

By Pedregoso Rios
The 2009 Santa Lechuga Power League began yesterday with 48 teams joining the fun, up from last season’s 42 teams. “It’s well short of the 60 teams but we were hoping to have, but we’re taking the long-view,” Commissioner Rube Furrow said. “There’s no riff-raff this season. The veteran teams are all gamers, no doubt, and the new teams look really tough, so we we’re thinking this will be one heck of a competitive season.”

Furrow said 11 new owners have joined the league. “We lost a few, but we gained a lot. The few that we lost were real deadbeats, anyway,” Furrow said. “A couple of them never paid. Worse, they never even tried to be competitive by making trades.”

Last year’s champ Mark Olivarria, owner of Dodger Blue, said he was excited for the new season. “I hope to be the first owner to win back-to-back championships,” Olivarria said. “To those of you who think I can’t do it, I have one word for you: Bring it!!!”

A few administrative things...

First, league officials indicated that standings and stats will not be posted until this weekend at the earliest. “We say this every year, only to get them up in a day or two, but this season we mean it,” VP of Creepy Pedregoso Rios said. “Look, we’re busy. We’ll get to it when we get to it. But once we get to it, it’ll run like a top for the rest of the season. So, relax. Watch some actual games. Then check back here this weekend.”

Second, even though we haven’t posted the standings and stats, you can still make trades. Trades during the first month of the season are $5. If you have a trade, e-mail Rube and Pedregoso with your trades.

Third, Commissioner Furrow will soon be sending a hearty welcome to owners. Be on the lookout for it.

Home, owners should check the list below to confirm that their teams are listed. If you’re not on the list, we didn’t get your roster. Please re-send it to Rube and Pedregoso ASAP.

2009 Teams & Owners
• A Team To Be Named Later, Sue Klinkhamer
• Apocalypse Dudes, Nate Meyers
• Athletic Supporters, Peggy Bocox
• Bad Spinach, Jim Johnson
• Bauer's Bandits, Julie Pankoke
• Big Cox, Jeff Cox
• Bleed Blue, Brandon Olivarria
• BM Blasters, Bill & Maggie Cunning
• Cabbage Farmers, Paul Martin
• Cameltowing, Inc., Dave Edison
• Cantrell's House, Vern Visher
• Carrboro T-Birds, Brian Thornburg, Adrian Thornburg, & Benjamin Thornburg
• Chowder Clam, Marc Cabrera & Laith Agha
• Cougar Hunter, Matt Ramirez
• Democratic Alliance for the Betterment of Hong Kong, Ian Hicks
• Dodger BlueMark Olivarria
• Dongwhipped, Kevin Klinkhamer
• Ed Sox (Yankees Suck), Ed Gross
• El Hombre, Kevin Merfeld
• Fetacelli Rats, Michael Pieper
• Forty Ounce Guzzlers, Scott Forstner
• Full Circuits, Bill Cunning
• G.O.P.d Their Pants, Kathy Livernois
• Guao Wee!, Richard Livernois
• Guzzlyn Suds, Guzzlyn Suds
• Hahnyacher, Vince Livernois
• Hatchetwound, David Adrian
• Highlanders 2009, Rick Coppock
• Keep on Shockin', Jeren Livernois
• Natsox, Sue Klinkhamer
• Pathetics, Ray Jasutis
• Pelons, Matt Martin
• Pepino Monos, Pedregoso Rios
• Sandyeggo Trippers, Jack Tripp
• Santa Anna's, Santa Anna's
• ScootBigs, Scott Allen
• Semper Fidelis Bulldogs, Danielle Collier
• Shankopotamus, Mark Merfeld
• Strokes, Aaron Pankoke
• Summer Sausages, Jim Hicks
• Tacky Cardias, Dan Klinkhamer
• Team Batterbing, Joe DeLeo
• Team of Ninjaviduals, Katie Jane Surratt
• Tres Caballeros, Klinkhamer/Cline
• Washington Bullets, Jim Cummings
• Who’s On First?, Suzie Rochellle
• Willie Bobs, Joe Livernois
• Zippin Zitos, Meg Cox

Welcome to the '09 SLPL! Good luck!

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