By Pedregoso Rios
Because six men carrying a knife, a baseball bat and a billy club aren’t enough to make you think something bad is going to go down.

!
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By Pedregoso Rios
I’m not sure who let this loose in the wild, but after 40 years of watching them in the mirror I’m relieved that the rest of the world can finally see my mad moves:

Happy Halloween!

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By Pedregoso Rios
Two weeks to go in what has been an awesome SLPL season with a great website, and dude is trying to ruin everything.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Yesterday we speculated as to whether or not an actuary freind of ours who regularly participates in fantasy sports actually knew anything about fantasy sports insurance. We directed him to our blog entry and he offered this bit of wisdom: "Actually this actuary knows all about fantasy league insurances. My best advice is to give it a pass -- if you can't afford to lose all of what you are putting up then find a cheaper league." Since he's from Canada, we decided not to ask him about the public option.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Tip of the ballcap to Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer for turning us on to this bit of interestingness. What's particularly interesting for some of us is that some of us, in another life, work with actuaries. In fact, some of us, in another life, work with at least one actuary who participates regularly in fantasy sports. And it ocurrs to us that this actuary may not even be aware that there is such a thing as fantasy sports insurance.

Kevin said he punched in all the details to see what it would cost him to get the insurance and it came out to about $14, which is about 14 percent of his ownership fees. Man, if this gets any more out of hand he's going to have to demand a public option.

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By Pedregoso Rios
If you’re a regular reader, you know we’re determined not to get all political on you. Sure, we were activists at one time, but following our lobbying efforts to deregulate the use of all pesticides for radicchio farming blew up on us after Commissioner Rube Furrow’s embarrassing testimony in front of the Senate Radicchio Committee, where it was discovered that he had a major stake in several major radicchio pesticide companies, we’ve gone completely apolitical.

But sometimes you just have to step up and make a statement, especially when simple but sweet satire is involved. So, the SLPL is today getting into the political mix again, just this once (unless there’s more simple but sweet satire involved), to bring you this website, Obama Is Literally Hitler. The truths uncovered at this site are amazing. The observations uncanny. The comparisons eerie. For instance, do you who else wrote a book? Hitler! Do you know who else had a dog? Hitler! Do you know who else went to Paris? Hitler!

So, because we believe it’s important to call things what we are, we encourage you to visit the website. And once you’ve had a look at some of the entries, be sure to read the entry titled “Okay, this is getting silly” and marvel at how some people can’t identify satire when it’s slapping them in the face and screaming in their ears.

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By Pedregoso Rios
We don’t usually bring you the classics here on this blog, but this here is a different kind of classic:

(This one’s for league friend, Missy, who may not consider us friends after watching this. )

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By Pedregoso Rios
Here’s a website that deserves a daily visit. It highlights dumb human ingenuity, crazy gerry-rigging, and Wasillabilly-like dopes clambering to get on the Darwin Awards list. For a sampling, here’s a recent fave entitled “MacGyver Headlight” (though I’m not sure MacGyver himself would have used something so obvious as an actual flashlight to replace a headlight):

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By Pedregoso Rios
I thought they already did this, too:

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less
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By Kevin Klinkhamer
WORST. NATIONAL. ANTHEM. EVER!

His fellow police officers trying not to laugh too hard is the best part...other than him butchering the song so bad.

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By Pedregoso Rios
This is a good way to visually describe how my season has gone so far:

Initial enthusiasm. Early success. Careful optimism to make another move. Epic fall. Epic fail.

Admit it, some of you feel the same way.

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By Pedregoso Rios
I thought they already did this:

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
"The first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880's" is the tag line for this product even though toilet paper in roll form did not become common until 1907. That is strike one and then you add in colors, softness, multiple ply paper, etc., and I am definitely taking the under on their claim.

Random thought: Hey, Major League Baseball Hall of Famers...can any of you start dying already! I realize there are plenty more celebrities than you guys but after the past few days (and last couple of MLB regular seasons), you have some catching up to do. I realize the recent rash of celebrity deaths wasn't a shock due to health issues, etc., but many of you are also old...and just keep living! So, live dangerously and go on a bende. Or be like former President Bush I and take up skydiving. Either way, it has been a good run for most of you and the SLPL needs your help in making the first HOF death pool payout in 2009.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Monterey Herald chief photographer and SLPL owner of Cantrell's House Vern Fisher recently dug up a picture of me that I didn’t want to ever find the light of day, but he’s holding my dog Fred hostage until I release it to the wild. Vern scoured his archives for this photo only after Commissioner Rube Furrow made the observation that Ed Helms appeared to have found inspiration in mimicking me in the movie “The Hangover.”

I resemble the implication. Now Vern, gimme Fred back.

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
As many of you know, I have posted links in the past stating my dislike for Philadelphia Phillies' fans ... and the Phillie Phanatic (get a haircut!). Well, here is another recent beauty from Citizens Bank Park. The action starts at the 33 second mark and if you look closely, there is not a Toronto Blue Jays fan in sight. You stay classy Philly fans!

Editor’s Note: Kevin, the link you sent didn’t work. Was this the video you were looking for? (There’s a payoff close to the :33 mark, and the payoff is less than classy, but the Blue Jays reference doesn’t make sense. If this isn’t the right one, resend the link, okay?)

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By Pedregoso Rios
League VP of Creepy Pedregoso Rios has been called to testify in front of the House on lettuce smoking Friday. Because he will be in this nation’s capital, this blog--along with the standings and stats--will not be updated on Friday. We will return to our regularly scheduled programming Saturday. We are sorry that anyone may feel outrage by this inconvenience. (Note the non-apology apology. We’re not apologizing for actually providing the inconvenience; we’re apologizing that you may act like a spoiled brat to the inconvenience we’re providing. Can you tell I’ve been preparing to testify in front of a bunch of politicians?)

Meanwhile, with a tip of the ballcap to Kevin Klinkhamer for providing this link, check out this follow-up to the recent seagull incident.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Another line crossed ... as only The Onion can cross it:

Gymnast Shawn Johnson Euthanized After Breaking Leg
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By Pedregoso Rios
Uh oh. The following was recently discovered on Commissioner Rube Furrow’s Flip Mino video camera:

Start studying your monkey rodeo statistics now, folks ... I believe the rumors that Rube is scrapping the SLPL next season in favor of starting a Monkey Fantasy Rodeo league may just be true.

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By Pedregoso Rios
In His press conference from a few years back, Mr. Deity foreshadows why Dwight Howard should have just kept his yapper shut:

You see, He simply loves watching Kobe play. Dwight never stood a chance.

And people, floss regularly, willya?!

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By Pedregoso Rios
Rep. Steve Buyer has been talking to a certain league official recently, as is evidenced by this clip (tip of the ballcap to Sue Klinkhamer):

In Other News...
League stats and standing, along with this blog, won’t be updated until later Sunday.

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By Pedregoso Rios
We have not been able to verify that Commissioner Rube Furrow intends to scrap the Santa Lechuga Power League next season in favor of a fantasy monkey rodeo league. It doesn’t help, though, that we found the following photo on Rube’s digital camera:

If we hear more, we’ll keep you updated.

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By Pedregoso Rios
...crazy South Bend people with swords under the sofa hurt people.

Man, what is it about Indiana and swords?

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By Pedregoso Rios
Some lines should never be crossed, but this is cringingly-funny enough to make an exception. Do not watch this if you want to feel good about yourself as a human being for the rest of the day:

New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free
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By Pedregoso Rios
Recent comments (see “Got Something to Say?” below each blog entry) out of Indiana indicate that Fat Bastard (Jim Hicks), owner of the Summer Sausages, may be a dragon. The evidence?

Fat Bastard, The Dragon?

Or maybe past-champ Old Mackey (Ian Hicks), owner of Democratic Alliance for the Betterment of Hong Kong, found a fun photo manipulation app for his iPhone. There’s just no way to tell.

Incidentally, the last time we saw flames coming out of Bastard’s orifices was shortly after a particularly heady round eating two dozen nuclear chicken wings.

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By Pedregoso Rios
A literal translation of the video “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” just ‘cuz:

It almost makes me nostalgic for the days when MTV actually played music videos. But maybe they were all this bad ... I dunno ... my nostalgia might be clouding my memory ... look, the fog machine’s on! ... maybe that’s clouding my memory.

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By Pedregoso Rios
This thing’s been all over the Internwebs like stink on a bad dance video, so we decided to throw it on our site, too:

For the record, the Santa Lechuga Power League does not in any way condone fey on-field dancing, despite the author’s propensity to shake his tail feathers after every Monos win.

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
At last, your first baseball link of the year from me. Well, it is half-baseball and half-comedy. Either way, it doesn't get much better than Will Ferrell doing his classic Harry Caray impersonation.
I wonder if SLPL accepts Angel Bucks as currency towards league fees?

Note to SNL fact checkers: You misspelled Harry Caray's name at the beginning.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Courtesy of The Onion...

Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically Engineered Child Stars
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By Pedregoso Rios
Here’s the swine flu checklist of symptoms:

__ Fever
__ Cough
__ Sore throat
__ Body aches
__ Headache
__ Chills
__ Fatigue
__ General discomfort

If I have everything on this list except for the cough and sore throat, I don’t have swine flu, right?

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By Pedregoso Rios
Cleveland! The producer explains: “The Cleveland Tourism Board gave me 14 million dollars about 8 months ago to make a promotional video to bring people to Cleveland. As usual, I waited till the last minute and I ended up having to shoot and edit it in about an hour yesterday afternoon. I probably should have invested more time.” (Song lyrics NSFW.)

It didn’t go over as well as he’d hoped: “So The Cleveland Board of Tourism was not happy with the first video that I turned in. In fact, they said that upon viewing it, three of the board members moved away. They insisted that I turn in a proper Cleveland tourism video, otherwise they will pursue litigation.” Thus, this:

I’m wondering if they’ll give him a third crack at it. BTW, don’t you half expect Schneider from “One Day At A Time” so show up somewhere in these?

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By Pedregoso Rios
Joe Livernois, owner of the Willie Bobs, has changed the name of his team several times over the years. One season it was The Sunni Triangles. Another it was the Wretched Media Weasels. He’s also gone with Bonobo Love. There was that season as Pedregoso’s Rectum. And he’s been the Bobs of Bereavement.

What some may not remember is that Joe’s team spent two seasons known as the Santa Lechuga Bus Wrecks. Creepy, that. (Creepier still, Soledad is just 3.5 miles down Mal Accidente Road from Santa Lechuga.)

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By Pedregoso Rios
This movie trailer for The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon was taken down from websites of every civilized “free” country on the planet a few weeks ago, but I was able to unearth it on what appears to be a Russian website. Go figure. But also go watch. (Be sure to watch if full-screen.)

BTW, it’s definitely NSFW (not safe for work) and definitely PG-13 (not safe for kids’ eyes or ears). Having said that, it’s a classic. In fact, after I watched it the first time I immediately watched it again. And again. And again. (And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.And again.And again.And again.And again.And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.)

I think you’ll agree that it is, perhaps, the most relentless murder in the history of cinema. Perhaps.

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By Pedregoso Rios
On a day in which Hatchetwound, owned by rookie David Adrian (aka SugarFree), took over first place in the Overall Standings, it seems appropriate to emphasize the creepy...

I, Pedregoso Rios, VP of Creepy of the Santa Lechuga Power League, couldn’t possibly continue to be called the VP of Creepy if I didn’t link to this article. If you are like me and enjoy accounts of vicious, horrible, tragic and brutal deaths and injuries at a baseball stadium, you’ll love this article.

And before you go thinking I’m sitting all comfy and stuff, safe from potential harm’s way, in the owner’s box during all of the Pepino Monos home games, check this out:

Yep, those four seats are mine. (Don’t ask why the owner of the Momos can’t get *front* row seats at his own stadium; it’s a very long story having to do with an ill-advised very long night of drinking and gambling.) Note that I’m not behind any fancy-dancy screen. Note that I’m totally within striking distance of foul balls, flying bats or potential brawls I might be forced to provoke with players from the visiting team. Should I, the VP of Creepy, experience a vicious, horrible, tragic and brutal death while sitting in these seats, assume I was doing what I loved doing when I died. (Check that. Assume I was doing what I loved doing moments before I died; I kinda think I won’t love the part where the broken bat enters my forehead.) Deal?

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By Pedregoso Rios
No! Being inducted into the National Polish-American Sports Hall of Fame would not have qualified Mark "The Bird" Fidrych for the Hall-of-Fame Death Watch Pool. R.I.P., crazy man.

P.S. Who knew Wikipedia kept a handy-dandy death-tracking page? Awesome!

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By Pedregoso Rios
You’ve no doubt heard about the death of Philadelphia Phillies announcer Harry Karas. News accounts have all referred to him as “Hall-of-Fame” announcer, which likely prompted a lot of owners to check to see if they have him on their rosters. (No one did.) But here’s the deal: Harry Karas was not an inductee in the Hall-of-Fame and thus he was not eligible for the Hall-of-Fame Death Watch Pool. Instead, Karas was a Ford C. Frick Award Honoree. Even this HOF link makes a distinction between inductees and honorees when it says: “...Each award recipient (not to be confused with an inductee) is presented with a calligraphy of the award during the Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony...” So it’s an award, not an induction, that announcers receive. So don’t go thinking you can backdoor a Frick award winner in future seasons.

And while we’re clarifying: Mascots in the Mascot Hall-of-Fame don’t qualify either, Sue Klinkhamer. So, even though you want the Phillies Phanatic to die in horrifying ways, his brutal death will not gain you any points towards the HOF Death Watch Pool. (Though, of course, it’s fun to know you hate the Phanatic that much; in the event of his untimely demise, we promise to all give you a toast.)

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By Pedregoso Rios
You’ve no doubt heard by now that a crazed lady in Berlin jumped into the enclosed polar bear habitat at a German zoo. You’ve probably even seen the video. But you probably haven’t seen the most excellent video re-mix:

And people say *we* have too much time on our hands.

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By Pedregoso Rios
...crazy Indianapolis people in sword-fights kill people.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Tragedy is tragedy. (Lost fans should understand this allusion based on Wednesday’s episode.) He had a bright future and died way too young. It surely is a sad day.

Sadder still is that *six* Santa Lechuga owners have already chimed in to lament that he wasn’t a Cardinals pitcher. One even went so far as to suggest that we open the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool to include on pitcher from each MLB team and not just Cardinals pitchers. Guys, let this sad news breath a little. The dude just died. Don’t forget the formula: Tragedy + Time = Comedy.

Saddest of all personally is what it says about me that all six of those owners contacted *me,* like I’m Mr. Tragedy over here. Hey, I’m not the arbiter of death just ‘cause I sponsor the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool...I just help take the edge off the tragedy with a little black humor after the immediate horror of the tragedy passes.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Gotta love this: “Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon,” especially the droll reactions of the residents. My favorite, though: “In the last year, the viciously mutilated bodies of 57 Lake Wobegon citizens have been found in the lake. Nine of those discovered were members of the town's floundering baseball team, the Whippets, whose severed throwing arms were never discovered.”

After reading this, I’m glad my Pepino Monos stopped playing the Whippets two seasons ago after our manager was arrested for disorderly conduct during a game. (If you don’t remember, Carl didn’t just throw first and second base into the outfield for an umpire’s bad call; he excavated home plate with his bare hands and threw it at the Whippets batboy.)

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By Pedregoso Rios
If you’re thinking about joining our league -- and we’d love to have you! -- here are some basics:

• This is fantasy baseball simplified. You choose a roster of hitters and pitchers. We award points to a hitter when he hits a home run and subtract points every time he strikes out. We award points to a pitcher for every strike out he throws and subtract points when he gives up a home run. The goal is to try to score more points than the other teams. It’s really that easy. League organizers track the stats and post the standings while you sit back and enjoy this here league blog.
• As sort of side-bets, we have two Death Watch pools. You choose five Hall-of-Famers and one Cardinal pitch you think might die during the season. Then you sit back and watch SportsCenter to see who might have kicked the bucket.
• We pay out every dollar that’s collected to season champs ... and there’s always a slew of champs. Like division champs. A hitting champ. A pitching champ. A regular season champ. An overall champ. You get the idea. Last season, 14 owners split $2,265.
• Did I mention that Joe Morgan is a Hall-of-Famer? In what other fantasy baseball league can you actively root for Joe Morgan’s untimely death and potentially win money when he mercifully finally does?
• To stay competitive, you can make ten trades over the season, though each one will cost you.
• When you become an owner, you agree to pay the $25 ownership fee and for every trade. If you don’t pay in a timely manner, you agree that we can make fun of you amongst your fellow owners for being a deadbeat. Why? Because if you don’t pay, the champs will be shorted what they rightfully earned.
• We have our own league bobblehead, the infamous Bobblehead-of-Lettuce.
• Rube Furrow is the alter-ego of Joe Livernois, the league founder. Pedregoso Rios is the alter-ego of Tony Livernois, the league founder’s brother with mean website Kung Fu. They operate the league by themselves as a sort of diversionary hobby, but they make it sound as though there really are front offices, real employees, and an actual town in California called Santa Lechuga.
• Santa Lechuga, which translates to Saint Lettuce, is not a real town. Don’t let Rube or Pedregoso convince you otherwise.

That’s it for now. We might add some more as we get closer the Monday. In the meantime, you can check out the detailed rules here and see exactly how payouts are awarded here. We hope to get your roster Monday!

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