By Pedregoso Rios
It's about cute animals, perhaps, but this dude hates 'em. And don't go thinking this is SFW ... this is definitely NSFW.

You can help your delicate sensibilities and turn the frick away.
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By Pedregoso Rios
Tip off the ballcap to blog-follower Missy for providing this link. She notes that it's one of those nice baseball "aw" stories ... and she's not wrong. Awwwwww!

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By Pedregoso Rios
Excess Sebum: Where (some of) The Onion's rejected headlines go to die.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Yesterday we speculated as to whether or not an actuary freind of ours who regularly participates in fantasy sports actually knew anything about fantasy sports insurance. We directed him to our blog entry and he offered this bit of wisdom: "Actually this actuary knows all about fantasy league insurances. My best advice is to give it a pass -- if you can't afford to lose all of what you are putting up then find a cheaper league." Since he's from Canada, we decided not to ask him about the public option.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Tip of the ballcap to Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer for turning us on to this bit of interestingness. What's particularly interesting for some of us is that some of us, in another life, work with actuaries. In fact, some of us, in another life, work with at least one actuary who participates regularly in fantasy sports. And it ocurrs to us that this actuary may not even be aware that there is such a thing as fantasy sports insurance.

Kevin said he punched in all the details to see what it would cost him to get the insurance and it came out to about $14, which is about 14 percent of his ownership fees. Man, if this gets any more out of hand he's going to have to demand a public option.

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By Pedregoso Rios
San Francisco Giants fans won't like this, but this is my favorite home run celebration in quite some time. It took the entire team to make it work.

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
So obviously you haven't heard from me in a while. Don't worry, I did not get angry and abandon the league because I just can't seem to catch up to Dodger Blue no matter what move I make. I was out of town for work and extremely busy to boot.

In honor of my extended absence due to work, I thought I would give you all a link so that you could waste some time there. Here are 40 of the Budweiser Real Men of Genius ads. I knew they made a lot of these but I had not heard half of them. Just a warning, you cannot click on just a couple as I thought would happen when I stumbled upon these ... the next thing you know it will be an hour later and you have listened to all of them. Enjoy!

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By Pedregoso Rios
If you’re a regular reader, you know we’re determined not to get all political on you. Sure, we were activists at one time, but following our lobbying efforts to deregulate the use of all pesticides for radicchio farming blew up on us after Commissioner Rube Furrow’s embarrassing testimony in front of the Senate Radicchio Committee, where it was discovered that he had a major stake in several major radicchio pesticide companies, we’ve gone completely apolitical.

But sometimes you just have to step up and make a statement, especially when simple but sweet satire is involved. So, the SLPL is today getting into the political mix again, just this once (unless there’s more simple but sweet satire involved), to bring you this website, Obama Is Literally Hitler. The truths uncovered at this site are amazing. The observations uncanny. The comparisons eerie. For instance, do you who else wrote a book? Hitler! Do you know who else had a dog? Hitler! Do you know who else went to Paris? Hitler!

So, because we believe it’s important to call things what we are, we encourage you to visit the website. And once you’ve had a look at some of the entries, be sure to read the entry titled “Okay, this is getting silly” and marvel at how some people can’t identify satire when it’s slapping them in the face and screaming in their ears.

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
Check out this stroke, apparently impersonating a marsupial, chipping his teeth. Diving into a pool the size of a postage stamp and as deep as Megan Fox ... what could go wrong there??? (Language NSFW.)

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How Not to Jump Into a Pool - Watch more Funny Videos

I love how, with a straight face, he seems surprised that he actually hit the floor of a pool that can't be over three feet deep. A couple inches to the left or right and we might have had another Darwin Award winner. However, something tells me this won't be his last submission.

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By Pedregoso Rios
We here are the Official Blog of the Santa Lechuga Power League are taking a three-day break to enjoy the Pitchfork Music Festival in Chicago. We’ll see you on Monday, when we’ll update all transactions (retroactively, if needed) and update the standings and stats.

To tide over our blog fans, we leave you with the following photos (the story follows the pictures). But first, great thanks to Sue Klinkhamer for first giving us this story. Kudos to the Great Saint Lettuce for making the lettuce leaf just so. Appreciation, it goes without saying, to whoever it was that dreamt up the lettuce leaf bikini. Props, certainly, to whoever it was that didn’t just dream it but actually created the lettuce leaf bikini. And, finally, special thanks to the good folks at PETA, who still haven’t learned that putting Playboy models in lettuce-leaf bikinis every year does nothing to reduce our meat consumption but does give us at least one annual blog post.

Photos: Jayde Nicole and Jo Garcia, Playboy

From Roll Call
Heard on the Hill: It’s a Live One
July 16, 2009
By Emily Heil and Elizabeth Brotherton
Roll Call Staff

Veggie Dog Day Afternoon.
The oft-quoted adage that nobody reads Playboy for the articles could probably apply to this HOH item — because we’ll be impressed if anybody interested in the topic looks beyond the accompanying photo.

Playboy Playmate of the Year Jayde Nicole and fellow playmate Jo Garcia came to Capitol Hill on Wednesday, joining People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals staffers, to hand out free veggie hot dogs to hungry Congressional staffers at the Independence Avenue entrance to the Rayburn House Office Building.

It’s an annual tradition for the animal rights group to serve the meat-free dogs to urge people to become vegetarian, and, keeping with tradition, Nicole and Garcia had stripped down to nothing but stiletto heels, a Playboy bunny necklace and bikinis made of strategically placed pieces of lettuce.

Their bikini tops were essentially bras made of lettuce (embellished with tiny rhinestones) while their bottoms consisted of a piece of lettuce covering their front and sheer, nylon fabric trimmed with green lace covering their bums. (Well, maybe “covering” isn’t the right word.)

“They’re wonderful representatives of the fact that going vegetarian is a great way to maintain a sexy, fit body,” PETA spokeswoman Ashley Byrne told HOH.

Vegetarianism: We’re sure that’s what all the googly-eyed, 20-something male staffers on hand were thinking about as they snapped pictures.

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By Pedregoso Rios

Twenty teams are celebrating Prince Fielder’s win last night in the Home Run Derby. Each of those 20 teams picked up 250 All-Star points. Meanwhile, 11 teams are cursing under their collective breath since they dropped the big ol’ boy from their rosters after Fielder got off to a slow start this season. It always hurts when a trade comes back to bit you in the butt.

Tonight, we crown an All-Star Champ. Here’s how points are awarded during the All-Star Game:

• Hitters earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K
• Pitchers earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered

If you’re one of the 11 teams to drop Fielder, don’t fret. At 150 points per dong, you still have a chance to win it all--the first championship of the ’09 season and $150.

All-Star standings are here. All-Star stats are here.

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By Pedregoso Rios

Tonight’s the HR Derby! Do you have a player on your roster that’s participating? If so, you have a chance to pick up 250 points toward the All-Star Standings. Here are the Derby line-ups (number in parentheses indicate number of SLPL teams with player):

• AL: Carlos, Pena (14), Brandon Inge (0), Nelson Cruz (6), and Joe Mauer (0)
• NL: Albert Pujols (46), Adrian Gonzalez (17), Prince Fielder (20), and Ryan Howard (41)

Good luck!

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By Pedregoso Rios

SLPL league honchos love this time of the season. It’ll take just two days and two events--Monday’s Home Run Derby and Tuesday’s All-Star Game--to crown a champ and cut a check. None of this waiting around for 162 games. None of this playoffs stuff. Nope. Two days. Two events. One champ. One check.

The only other time of the year that we can reliably have this much fun is when Rube’s brother Benny Furrow has his annual bash to celebrate his third divorce from his fourth wife, Kitty, and even that was ruined last year when he accidentally invited her to the party and then married her a fourth time before the sixth round of tequila poppers had arrived. We hate Kitty. (On the upside, the party’s on again this year since Kitty left Benny in March for a blogger from Calipatria, CA.)

Anyway, here’s how points are awarded toward the All-Star Standings:

• If a player on your roster wins the All-Star Home Run Derby, your team picks up 250 points
• Hitters earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K
• Pitchers earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered

If your team has the most combined points, you win $150.

Remember, points earned toward the All-Star Standings are allocated exclusively to the All-Star Standings and are not allocated to the Overall Standings.

Who do you have playing in the All-Star game? Check the NL roster here and the AL roster here. Remember, you can make trades for additional All-Stars by midnight tonight so that they’re eligible for the Home Run Derby.

Good luck! And, please, don’t invite Kitty to our All-Star viewing party Tuesday night, okay?

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By Pedregoso Rios
Here’s a website that deserves a daily visit. It highlights dumb human ingenuity, crazy gerry-rigging, and Wasillabilly-like dopes clambering to get on the Darwin Awards list. For a sampling, here’s a recent fave entitled “MacGyver Headlight” (though I’m not sure MacGyver himself would have used something so obvious as an actual flashlight to replace a headlight):

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By Pedregoso Rios
...crazy South Bend people with swords under the sofa hurt people.

Man, what is it about Indiana and swords?

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By Pedregoso Rios
SLPL Commissioner Rube Furrow (Joe Livernois) is slated to conduct the Monterey Bay Symphony during the annual Memorial Day Concert this coming Monday. No, this is not a joke. Check out how this little bit of madness came to happen by clicking here.

Us here in the Midwest can’t wait to see the video. And, Jay, I’ll give $100 to your favorite charity if you finish your set by pulling out a banjo and plucking a few strings a la Bugs.

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By Pedregoso Rios
...you like this team’s name as much as I do. (Tip of the ball cap to A Team To Be Named Later/Natsox owner Sue Klinkhamer for the link to the story.)

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By Pedregoso Rios
Thanks to A Team To Be Named Later/Natsox owner Sue Klinkhamer for giving us the heads-up on this...

From HOTLINE (which is apparently some D.C.-based newswire for congressional types):

“The MN Independence Party announced today that ex-Sen. Dean Barkley (IP) ‘will throw out the first pitch at the St. Paul Saints game’ 5/23 in what the Saints are calling ‘Re’Count Night in ‘honor’ of the '08 SEN recount. The first 2.5K fans through the gate will receive a Count Von ‘Re’Count doll featuring ‘the likeness of (Norm) Coleman on one side and (Al) Franken on the other’ whose ‘bobble head spins over a body dressed like’ Sesame Street's Count von Count. The Independence Party is selling $25 packages that will get fans ‘a ticket to the game’ and ‘tailgate party’ as well as a chance to ‘discuss’ their ‘recount frustrations with Dean’ (release, 5/12).”

More about the Count von ‘Re’Count doll here from CNN.

Update: Lookie at what I just stumbled on! Nice Tom Seaver reference, Sue!

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
(Author’s Note: I will eventually post an actual baseball link since that is what SLPL is all about. Until then, comedy is comedy and the funniest video/story is going to win out until I find myself in a Pedregoso "I Got Nothin’" slump.)

Based on the way Bango the Buck reacts to being hit where the sun don't shine in the following video, I have to think mascots wear cups. I love the way he stays in Full Mascot Mode and seems to be overjoyed that he helped the ball go through the rim by enthusiastically pointing at Rufus (the Charlotte Bobcats mascot) after the shot. However, comedy gold strikes at the :20 second mark when he falls through the rim ... I still don't know how he managed to fit through it.

Seeing him roll off the court and hobble away should make you laugh even harder knowing the guy in the costume tore his ACL.

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By Pedregoso Rios
First, Man-Ram. Now A-Ram. What is it with all these Ramirezes?

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By Pedregoso Rios
...is a dope.

Update I: Yeah, Manny’s still a dope. Fertility drug? Really?

Update II: We love our new owners’ enthusiasms for the league. This from Apocalypse Dudes owner Nate Meyers: “With Manny Ramirez violating the league’s substance abuse policy and receiving a 50-game suspension, I couldn’t help but think of how it affected the SLPL. For example, there are by my quick count about 23 teams with Ramirez in their line-ups. I would assume they would all make a roster move, which means $230 to the pot and possibly more when he comes back. Which is very exciting because who doesn’t love more money? I also thought of an idea due to this 50-game steroid suspension. There may a way to use it in the league. I would liken the odds of a superstar caliber player being suspended 50 games to the chances of a hall-of-famer dying. Maybe the suspended player cannot be removed from the roster (however, the can of worms there is what happens when a player gets a two game suspension for bumping into an ump)? Perhaps there is a negative point bonus or something to that effect? Or finally, maybe there is pick five performance enhancers pool?” We’re going to have to put these ideas in the hopper for the ’10 season. Thanks, Nate.

Update III: Ten of the 23 owners with Manny on their rosters wasted no time dumping him, adding $100 to The Pot and eventual champs’ payouts.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Joe Livernois, owner of the Willie Bobs, has changed the name of his team several times over the years. One season it was The Sunni Triangles. Another it was the Wretched Media Weasels. He’s also gone with Bonobo Love. There was that season as Pedregoso’s Rectum. And he’s been the Bobs of Bereavement.

What some may not remember is that Joe’s team spent two seasons known as the Santa Lechuga Bus Wrecks. Creepy, that. (Creepier still, Soledad is just 3.5 miles down Mal Accidente Road from Santa Lechuga.)

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By Kevin Klinkhamer

I would assume they have to carry "all the legal weapons" with the Cincinnati Bengals roaming the streets. Can you imagine what Tank Johnson would do to The Shadow Hare if he confronted him? I will say the guy in the lime green pants does scare the hell out of me. The homeless guy at the 2:08 mark is classic! When did we start dressing up for Easter anyway...did I miss a meeting?

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By Pedregoso Rios
This movie trailer for The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon was taken down from websites of every civilized “free” country on the planet a few weeks ago, but I was able to unearth it on what appears to be a Russian website. Go figure. But also go watch. (Be sure to watch if full-screen.)

BTW, it’s definitely NSFW (not safe for work) and definitely PG-13 (not safe for kids’ eyes or ears). Having said that, it’s a classic. In fact, after I watched it the first time I immediately watched it again. And again. And again. (And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.And again.And again.And again.And again.And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.)

I think you’ll agree that it is, perhaps, the most relentless murder in the history of cinema. Perhaps.

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
SportsPickle.com delivers again.

If the Washington Nationals keep up their stellar play so far this season, the same story will have to be written about them next MLB off-season.

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By Pedregoso Rios
The Onion delivers again.

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By Pedregoso Rios
On a day in which Hatchetwound, owned by rookie David Adrian (aka SugarFree), took over first place in the Overall Standings, it seems appropriate to emphasize the creepy...

I, Pedregoso Rios, VP of Creepy of the Santa Lechuga Power League, couldn’t possibly continue to be called the VP of Creepy if I didn’t link to this article. If you are like me and enjoy accounts of vicious, horrible, tragic and brutal deaths and injuries at a baseball stadium, you’ll love this article.

And before you go thinking I’m sitting all comfy and stuff, safe from potential harm’s way, in the owner’s box during all of the Pepino Monos home games, check this out:

Yep, those four seats are mine. (Don’t ask why the owner of the Momos can’t get *front* row seats at his own stadium; it’s a very long story having to do with an ill-advised very long night of drinking and gambling.) Note that I’m not behind any fancy-dancy screen. Note that I’m totally within striking distance of foul balls, flying bats or potential brawls I might be forced to provoke with players from the visiting team. Should I, the VP of Creepy, experience a vicious, horrible, tragic and brutal death while sitting in these seats, assume I was doing what I loved doing when I died. (Check that. Assume I was doing what I loved doing moments before I died; I kinda think I won’t love the part where the broken bat enters my forehead.) Deal?

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By Pedregoso Rios
The dude’s old enough to know better.

No excuses.

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By Pedregoso Rios
You’ve no doubt heard by now that a crazed lady in Berlin jumped into the enclosed polar bear habitat at a German zoo. You’ve probably even seen the video. But you probably haven’t seen the most excellent video re-mix:

And people say *we* have too much time on our hands.

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By Pedregoso Rios
...crazy Indianapolis people in sword-fights kill people.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Tragedy is tragedy. (Lost fans should understand this allusion based on Wednesday’s episode.) He had a bright future and died way too young. It surely is a sad day.

Sadder still is that *six* Santa Lechuga owners have already chimed in to lament that he wasn’t a Cardinals pitcher. One even went so far as to suggest that we open the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool to include on pitcher from each MLB team and not just Cardinals pitchers. Guys, let this sad news breath a little. The dude just died. Don’t forget the formula: Tragedy + Time = Comedy.

Saddest of all personally is what it says about me that all six of those owners contacted *me,* like I’m Mr. Tragedy over here. Hey, I’m not the arbiter of death just ‘cause I sponsor the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool...I just help take the edge off the tragedy with a little black humor after the immediate horror of the tragedy passes.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Gotta love this: “Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon,” especially the droll reactions of the residents. My favorite, though: “In the last year, the viciously mutilated bodies of 57 Lake Wobegon citizens have been found in the lake. Nine of those discovered were members of the town's floundering baseball team, the Whippets, whose severed throwing arms were never discovered.”

After reading this, I’m glad my Pepino Monos stopped playing the Whippets two seasons ago after our manager was arrested for disorderly conduct during a game. (If you don’t remember, Carl didn’t just throw first and second base into the outfield for an umpire’s bad call; he excavated home plate with his bare hands and threw it at the Whippets batboy.)

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