"Kings of Leon Ousted in Violent Coup"
Excess Sebum: Where (some of) The Onion's rejected headlines go to die.
Standings:
At-A-Glance
| Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders
| All-Star
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New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less
I thought they already did this, too:
New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move
Less
Standings:
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| Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past
Leaders
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"You Will Actually Be Eating The Garbage You Produce"
I thought they already did this:
New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less
Standings:
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| Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past
Leaders
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Gymnast Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg
Another line crossed ... as only The Onion can cross it:
Gymnast Shawn Johnson Euthanized After Breaking
Leg
Standings:
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| Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past
Leaders
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BabySafe Ball
Some lines should never be crossed, but this is cringingly-funny enough to make an exception. Do not watch this if you want to feel good about yourself as a human being for the rest of the day:
New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And
Injury Free
Standings:
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| Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past
Leaders
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I Always Had My Suspicions...
Courtesy of The Onion...
Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically
Engineered Child Stars
Standings:
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| Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past
Leaders
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"There's Nothing Wrong With Me. I'm Just Smart."
“I would have just tossed you in the gutter to end your agony.”
Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling
Bee
Standings:
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| Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past
Leaders
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Mr. Met Having Trouble Sleeping In New Home
The Onion delivers again.
Standings:
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| Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past
Leaders
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What Did We Do Before "The Onion"?
Gotta love this: “Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon,” especially the droll reactions of the residents. My favorite, though: “In the last year, the viciously mutilated bodies of 57 Lake Wobegon citizens have been found in the lake. Nine of those discovered were members of the town's floundering baseball team, the Whippets, whose severed throwing arms were never discovered.”
After reading this, I’m glad my Pepino Monos stopped playing the Whippets two seasons ago after our manager was arrested for disorderly conduct during a game. (If you don’t remember, Carl didn’t just throw first and second base into the outfield for an umpire’s bad call; he excavated home plate with his bare hands and threw it at the Whippets batboy.)
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