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Suzie Formally Crowned SLPL Regular Season Champ

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-12-05T16:34:12-06:00

By Pedregoso Rios
In the following, Santa Lechuga Power League Commissioner Rube Furrow (aka Joe Livernois) formally crowns Suzie Rochellle the 2009 Regular Season Champion and announces a big change for 2010 to try to get our Aussie family and friends to join the league.

From the Commish: Sankees Yuck

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-11-05T22:38:39-06:00

By Rube Furrow
A big tip of the Santa Lechuga cap to David Edison, the grand champion of the 4-H Club hog show at the Santa Lechuga County Fair this year. With his two-year-old, 225-pound pig named Cameltowing Inc., Edison blew away the rest of the swine competition. Along the way, Cameltowing also destroyed the field in this year's Santa Lechuga Power League competition, earning a hearty handshake and a sweet little check for $540. Congratulations to Cameltowing Inc.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ALL WINNERS: Please respond with your preferred snail mail address so Rube can send your check. Check below to see if you're a winner. If you're a loser, Rube doesn't want to hear from you (unless it’s to pay an outstanding balance). Because you're a loser.

It was a memorable season at SLPL, with Mark Olivarria scratching and clawing his way to a playoff championship even after his beloved Dodgers folded like a cheap card table in the postseason and with Suzie Rochelllllle adding sizzle to her life with a surprise regular season championship (word is she's using her winnings to purchase the alcohol for this year's Notre Dame-Stanford tailgate). On the other hand, to our deep disappointment, the SLPL was shut out yet again in the Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool. Rube about crapped the other night when he turned on the FOX Network (slogan: "We're here to drive away baseball fans during the World Series") to find Robin Roberts throwing out the first pitch and looking fit as a fiddle. D'OH!!!

By the way, is it just me or does Johnny Damon spend his off season filming those Geico caveman commercials?

Anyway, thanks to everyone for participating in this year's SLPL. And, remember, today may be the saddest day of the year, but spring training is only four months away!

Rube Furrow

2009 Champs

Playoff Champs
Overall Champ - David Edison, Cameltowing, Inc.
Playoff Champ - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue
Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool – N/A*

*No champ was named for the Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool since none of the soon-to-be worm-fooders chose to die this season. Again. Dangit.

Regular Season Champs
Regular Season Champ - Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?
Hitting Champ - Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?
Pitching Champ - Tony Livernois, Pepino Monos
Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ - Sue Klinkhamer, Natsox
A-Cox Division Champ - Jim Johnson, Bad Spinach
Bleed-T-Birds Division Champ - David Edison, Cameltowing, Inc.
Chowder-Suck Division Champ - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue
El-Wee! Division Champ - Scott Forstner, Forty Ounce Guzzlers
Guzz-Nats Division Champ - Jeren Livernois, Keep on Shockin'
Pat-Scoot Division Champ - Ray Jasutis, Pathetics
Semper-Bing Division Champ - Dan Klinkhamer, Tacky Cardias
Ninja-Zitos Division Champ - Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?

All-Star Co-Champs
Brandon Olivarria, Bleed Blue
Marc Cabrera & Laith Agha, Chowder Clam
Scott Forstner, Forty Ounce Guzzlers
Vince Livernois, Hahnyacher
Dan Klinkhamer, Tacky Cardias
Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?

2009 Payouts

Edison Wins '09 SLPL Championship, Becomes First Two-Time Champ in 109-Year History

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-11-04T23:57:07-06:00

By Pedregoso Rios
The Santa Lechuga Power League crowned David "Eddie" Edison, owner of Cameltowing, Inc., as the official 2009 Overall Champ Wednesday night, making him the first-ever two-time champ in the 109-year history of the SLPL. "I can't believe I'm the first two-time champ," Eddie said. "I know this league has had some dominant teams over the years. "You go grow up hearing about legendary early championship teams like 'Teddy's Bull Moose' and ''Teapot Foam Scandal" and you can't believe you did something they never did. This is a rockin' league with a storied history, and I'm proud that Cameltowing, Inc., will go down in history as the first-ever two-time champ."

After last night's World Series game, Commissioner Rube Furrow presented Eddie with one of those huge whiteboard checks for $540. "Cameltowing is a team for the ages. To do something that teams like 'I Like Trikes' and 'Rosalynn's Peanut Farmer' were never able to do is simply incredible," Furrow said. "The ghost of teams past are looking down in awe at what Eddie accomplished this season."

Meanwhile, Furrow congratulated last year's champ, Mark Olivarria of Dodger Blue for being crowned the Playoff Champ. "Mark made a slew of trades at the end of the season. And while he wasn't able to make up enough ground during the playoffs to win it all, he's to be congratulated for winning the Playoffs.

Here are all the official champs and payouts for the 2009 season:

2009 Champs

2009 Payouts

$540 - David Edison, Cameltowing, Inc.
$540 - Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?

$305 - Dan Klinkhamer, Tacky Cardias, 3rd Place Hitting Standings + Semper-Bing Division Champ + All-Star Co-Champ

$275 - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue, Playoff Champ + Chowder-Suck Division Champ

$155 - Scott Forstner, Forty Ounce Guzzlers, El-Wee! Division Champ + All-Star Co-Champ

$150 - Tony Livernois, Pepino Monos, Pitching Champ
$150 - Sue Klinkhamer, Natsox, Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ

$125 - Jim Johnson, Bad Spinach, A-Cox Division Champ
$125 - Vern Fisher, Cantrell's House, 2nd Place Bleed-T-Birds Division
$125 - Jeren Livernois, Keep on Shockin', Guzz-Nats Division Champ
$125 - Ray Jasutis, Pathetics, Pat-Scoot Division Champ
$125 - Katie Jane Surratt, Team of Ninjaviduals, 2nd Place Ninja-Zitos Division

$30 - Brandon Olivarria, Bleed Blue, All-Star Co-Champ
$30 - Marc Cabrera & Laith Agha, Chowder Clam, All-Star Co-Champ
$30 - Vince Livernois, Hahnyacher, All-Star Co-Champ

Congrats to all out winners and thanks everyone for joining us this season! We look forward to seeing you all next season.

Pedregoso Rios
VP of Creepy

P.S. If you haven't paid your ownership and trade fees, get on it already. We need to cut some championship checks! (Check Who Owes What to see what you owe. And if you've already paid and we haven't noted it, please let us know.) Send your check to:

Joe Livernois
459 Echo Valley Road
Salinas, CA 93907

If it's more convenient you can pay your derelict debt on PayPal.

Type Like A Pirate

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-11-04T07:59:34-06:00

By Pedregoso Rios
Once a year, on September 19, I swap my normal keyboard for this Corsair Ergonomic Keyboard for Pirates in celebration of International Talk Like a Pirate Day:

I know it’s not Type Like A Pirate Day, but I really like to immerse myself in these types of holidays. (Missy, I meant to lend this keyboard to you this year, but it’s become such a tradition in my household that I couldn’t give it up. RRRR!!!!)

Meet Bob. Or, Rather, Don't!

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-11-03T07:29:51-06:00

By Pedregoso Rios
Commissioner Rube Furrow really doesn’t like to resort to such tactics, but he needs owners who have not yet paid their ownership fees and/or trades to understand that he will employ Bob if needed:

To avoid a date with Bob, send a check for the amount you owe to:

Joe Livernois
459 Echo Valley Road
Salinas, CA 93907

Or, you can always pay with PayPal here.

Thus Far

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-11-02T07:23:49-06:00

By Pedregoso Rios
If the Phillies can’t kick it into gear tonight, we may very soon be crowning the 2009 SLPL Overall Champ. And while we really want to crown the champ, I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that I’d rather the Phillies find a way to turn this into a decent World Series. Thus far it’s been anything but decent.

Darn Rolling Pin

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-11-01T07:56:51-06:00

By Pedregoso Rios
Because six men carrying a knife, a baseball bat and a billy club aren’t enough to make you think something bad is going to go down.

Happy Halloween!

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-10-31T08:33:27-05:00

By Pedregoso Rios
I’m not sure who let this loose in the wild, but after 40 years of watching them in the mirror I’m relieved that the rest of the world can finally see my mad moves:

Happy Halloween!

Just The Way We Roll At Fox Sports Television, Part 3

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-10-30T08:05:49-05:00

By Pedregoso Rios
I got demoted again. This time it was Tim McCarver that did me in. In a mean twist of fate, he told my bosses at Fox Sports Television that I had been condescending to him when I suggested he be more condescending on air. Dude can’t handle being condescended to, but that doesn’t stop him from delivering planetary amounts of condescension to his viewing audience during the first two games of the World Series. I wonder if he gets the irony of complaining about me while dialing it up to 11 or if he did it just to get back at me? I’d actually respect the latter.

Speaking of going to 11 ...

Now that they’ve busted me down to Sound Engineer for the World Series, I’ve decided to take baseball sounds to a new level. Literally. I don’t know if you have noticed, but I have placed a microphone into first base. But not just any microphone. This is the type of mic that can pick up the sound of a mouse taking a leak on cotton, a worm farting, or an ant breathing heavy while carrying a feather. You’ve heard from those mics before. But I’m not stopping there. I have also been working with George Lucus' Star Wars audio engineers to amplify and enhance the sound coming from that mic. There’s something specific I’m looking for, something that, when triggered, will create a sound so robust, so loud, and so explosive that people at home can’t help but notice the play on the field. I need the volume levels so ear-curdlelingly loud that it makes metal-rockers take notice. That sound needs to, even if for an instant, drown out the sound of the crowd, the announcers, overhead jets, nearby trains, and most thoughts. Because--and I think you’ll agree with me on this--the importance of a runner's foot touching first base after getting thrown out by five feet cannot be overstated. And that sound just cannot be under-heard.

That’s just the way we roll at Fox Sports Television.

Upside Downside Upside, Part 2 (A Haiku)

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-10-29T07:58:17-05:00

By Pedregoso Rios
Last night a fall classic
Pinstripe show in the series ---
The Yankees got beat

Upside Downside Upside

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-10-28T07:34:50-05:00

By Pedregoso Rios
Upside: The World Series begins today.

Downside: The Yankees are in the World Series.

Upside: I have a team to root against.

Heading Into The World Series

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-10-26T08:27:15-05:00

By Pedregoso Rios
With the Yankees win last night, the SLPL now moves into the World Series, where the most serious points can be earned. Check this out:

. Hitters earn 100 points for every home run hit
. Hitters lose 10 points for every K
. Pitchers earn 10 points for every K
. Pitchers lose 50 points for every homer surrendered

Left on SLPL rosters are eight hitters (four Phillies and four Yankees) and three pitchers (all Yankees). David “Eddie” Edison’s Cameltowing Inc. currently owns the top spot in the Overall Standings by 79 points and also owns the top spot in the Playoff standings by nine points. Eddie has five hitters and one pitcher left on his roster.

Just The Way We Roll At Fox Sports Television, Part 2

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-10-27T08:51:23-05:00

By Pedregoso Rios
I lost my gig as a director with Fox Sports Television after one game because my bosses were upset that I averaged less than the requisite 32 extreme close-ups per half inning. I tried to convince them that I had brought something fresh to the table by implementing the Machine-Gun-Cut to show all the nervous fans between pitches. (Side note: By the end of the game I had showed literally every fan in the stadium at least once, some as many as three times. Sure, no one fan was on screen for more than a quarter of a second, but still!) My bosses were not impressed.

So they demoted me. I’m now the Pre-Game Consultant to the On-Air Broadcasters. Here are snippets of some of the conversations I had with each before Game 6 of the ALCS Sunday night.

JOE BUCK: I’ve been hearing that people are mad that I’m too partial to the New York Yankees. Should I tone down the fact that I really, really, really want the Yankees to win, Pedregoso?
ME: What?! Are you nuts?! There’s no one in the country that doesn’t want the Yankees to win.
JB: That can’t be true, can it?
Me: You don’t spend a lot of time in the rest of America, do you, Joe? There’s not a town in the United States where at least 96 percent of the population doesn’t just adore the Yankees. You have to continue showing them how much you love the Yankees. Period. You don’t want to turn those people away from our broadcast, do you?
--
TIM MCCARVER: You don’t believe people get turned off when I’m being a vapid, drivel-spewing blowhard, do you Pedregoso?
ME: What?! Are you nuts?! People love to be condescended to.
TM: You’re not just saying that, are you?
ME: You don’t spend a lot of time in the rest of America, do you, Tim? There’s not a person in the United States that doesn’t enjoy it when you present the most elementary of baseball concepts as though you just discovered it. There’s no one that doesn’t appreciate it when you explicate some trivial, obvious point into ground like a 58-foot curve ball. By the way, everyone just loves it when you refer to the 50-something-foot curve ball every single time one is thrown. They love knowing exactly what to expect. They don’t want anything fresh and new and unique. Why do you think Joe Buck, whenever the count starts 0-2 and goes to 3-2, always makes a big deal about how the count just went from 0-2 to 3-2? Why do you think we show replays again and again and again? To show them what they already know to be true. To show them that what they saw the first time in real time with their own eyes is precisely what they already knew they saw. Geez, Timmy, if you talked to them like they had a brain, they would wonder if you even cared about them. You absolutely must continue being a vapid, drivel-spewing blowhard. You don’t want to lose middle America, do you Tim?
--
KEN ROSENTHAL: Is it too obvious that I’m trying to get a PR job with the Yankees, Pedregoso?
ME: What?! Are you nuts?! People want you to get that job with the Yankees. They don’t want you to be a reporter who roams the stands the rest of your life.
KR: Really?
ME: You don’t spend a lot of time in the rest of America, do you, Ken? Even the Angels want you to get that job. They loved it when you said during Game 3 of the ALCS: "It's like aura and mystique have made a comeback. Teams are falling apart at the sight of the Yankees. We saw it in the division series and we're seeing it here in the ALCS. I don't want to get far ahead of ourselves, but if you look ahead to a possible World Series matchup maybe the Phillies, the tough-minded Phillies, are the kind of opponent they need." Never mind that the Angels won that game; to a man, they appreciated the fact that you were so transparently auditioning for the Yankees PR position. It showed guts. It showed wherewithall. It showed, without a doubt, that you are purely American. Keep auditioning, Kenny! You don’t want to turn real Americans away from our broadcast, do you?
--
JOE BUCK: But what if A-Rod isn’t the actual hero of the game?
ME: What?! Are you nuts?! A-Rod is always the hero. It’s all about redemption.
JB: I know, he is no longer a dog during the playoffs, but what if, say, Johnny Damon gets four RBIs and essentially wins the game for the Yankees. Shouldn’t we highlight the fact that Damon was the hero? I mean, I almost felt bad that we touted A-Rod so hard during Game 4, even though Johnny Damon was the actual hero.
ME: Johnny Who? C’mon, Joey, no one in America cares about Johnny Freakin’ Damon. He gets in the way of the real story: Alex Rodriguez, baby! Outside of Andy Pettitte, Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera, there is simply no other story during these playoffs. Forget Damon. Forget Cano. Forget the rest of the team. If you must mention them, do so only in relation to A-Rod. Like, “Posada, who hits after A-Rod, hit a long home run, just like Alex Rodriguez has already done five times during these playoffs.” If you must mention an Angels player, do so only in relation to A-Rod. Like, “Alex Rodriguez allows Vlad, who’s at bat, to share the field with him when the Angels play the Yankees. Let’s see if Vlad hits the ball to Alex Rodriguez.” You hear me? The only other players you can tout besides A-Rod are Pettitte, Rivera, and Jeter. No one else matters. America only loves those guys. You don’t want to be unpatriotic. do you Joe?
--
Clearly, Joe, Tim and Ken took my advice Sunday night and gave America exactly what it wants.

That’s just the way we roll at Fox Sports Television.

You Just Hope It Lets Up

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-10-25T08:36:37-05:00

By Pedregoso Rios
And with yesterday’s postponement of the American League Championship Series...

I just hope the Angels can postpone the end of the League Championship Series today by forcing a Game 7.

The Envelope Is Staying Closed

pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com — 2009-10-24T08:59:35-05:00

By Pedregoso Rios
Fellow league owners who are groaning that Cameltowing’s David “Eddie” Edison is primed to become the first repeat SLPL Overall Champ should just cool their jets. Dude’s got responsibilities. Dude’s responsibilities are about to exponentially increase. And dude’s got financial obligations. Dude’s financial obligations are about to significantly increase.

Here, I’ll let him explain (via his Facebook status):

“20-week ultrasound this afternoon -- the envelope is going to stay closed. The surprise will come in early March.”

And then there’s this:

“Ultrasound went well...everything is on track and looks good.”

So it appears that Dave and Katie are expecting an, uh, envelope sometime in March.

On behalf of the Santa Lechuga Power League, congrats to Eddie and Katie!