By Kevin Klinkhamer

I would assume they have to carry "all the legal weapons" with the Cincinnati Bengals roaming the streets. Can you imagine what Tank Johnson would do to The Shadow Hare if he confronted him? I will say the guy in the lime green pants does scare the hell out of me. The homeless guy at the 2:08 mark is classic! When did we start dressing up for Easter anyway...did I miss a meeting?

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By Pedregoso Rios
With a home run on April 28th, the first this year by a pitcher on an SLPL roster, Carlos Zambrano propelled Michael Pieper’s Fetacelli Rats into first place in the Power-Hitting Pitchers Standings. Eight other teams have Zambrano on their rosters, but only Pieper had Magic Number 28, which gave him an extra 20 points for matching the date on which the dong was hit.

Since this is the first homer by a pitcher this season, now’s a good time to remind owners of our Power-Hitting Pitching rules:

Power-Hitting Pitchers points will be awarded to teams whose pitchers perform rare feats opposite their specialty. So, pitchers on your pitching roster will be awarded points for hitting a home run. (In 2004, this category was known as Bonus Points.)

• Pitchers earn 20 points for hitting a home run. Additional points may be awarded, depending on the Magic Number.
• Pitchers earn 50 points if the home run is a grand slam. Additional points may be awarded, depending on the Magic Number.

Points earned in this category are allocated exclusively to the Power-Hitting Pitcher Standings and are not allocated to the Overall standings.

In Other News
League bigwigs are thrilled with the lively trading activity this early season and have reallocated some of the Regular Season and Overall champ payouts to All-Star, Hitting, Pitching and Power-Hitting Pitching champs. Those payouts jumped by $25 to a total of $100 apiece.

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By Pedregoso Rios
The Pepino Monos have not cancelled games due to the swine flu. Instead, team officials announced that fans attending games at Santa Lechuga’s Endive Stadium will receive free surgical face masks for the next three home stands.

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By Pedregoso Rios
It’s worth noting that yesterday’s lesson showing the need to balance solid pitching with hitting has already been taken to heart by some owners. The Apocalypse Dudes, who moved into 1st place Overall today, will get some pitching help after Nate Meyers dropped Sabathia and Webb and picked up Greinke and Haren. On making the trades, Nate said: “I strive for more balance. Well, more balance and first place.”

Meanwhile, the Merfelds are making pitching moves, too. Kevin and Mark dropped some deadweight on their pitching staffs, with Kevin justifying his El Hombre’s trade by saying: “Because I have eight more points than Brandon Webb this year. And my fastball tops out at 70 when I try to knock down milk bottles at the Carnival.” Mark’s Shankopotamus are currently in 12th place Overall and Kevin’s El Hombres are in 32nd place.

With 41 $5 trades made so far this season, the pot has grown by $205 since Opening Day and currently sits at $1,365. The $5 trade expires at midnight EST Wednesday, May 6th.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Last season’s Pitching Champ Scott Forstner is showing how a combination of decent hitting and superior pitching can make a difference in this league. His Forty Ounce Guzzlers are only in 4th place in the Hitting standings this season, but they are 1st in Pitching and have been in 1st Overall for the past five days.

To really see why the combination of good hitting and pitching is so important, take a look at Nate Meyers’ Apocalypse Dudes. While in 1st in Hitting, the Dudes are in 26th place in Pitching, dropping them to 2nd Overall, 17 points behind the Guzzlers. Or, consider the Carrboro T-Birds, owned by Brian, Adrian & Benjamin Thornburg, They’re in 2nd place in Hitting but 40th place in pitching, dropping them to 8th place Overall.

The lesson to be learned? Make sure you’ve got balance.

Incidentally, the Thornburgs appear to be learning this lesson. Three of the four trades they’ve made so far this season have been pitching moves.

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By Pedregoso Rios
This movie trailer for The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon was taken down from websites of every civilized “free” country on the planet a few weeks ago, but I was able to unearth it on what appears to be a Russian website. Go figure. But also go watch. (Be sure to watch if full-screen.)

BTW, it’s definitely NSFW (not safe for work) and definitely PG-13 (not safe for kids’ eyes or ears). Having said that, it’s a classic. In fact, after I watched it the first time I immediately watched it again. And again. And again. (And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.And again.And again.And again.And again.And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.)

I think you’ll agree that it is, perhaps, the most relentless murder in the history of cinema. Perhaps.

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By Pedregoso Rios
The $5 trade is an exquisite thing. Because you make it so early in the season, and because it’s so cheap, you can pick up a player you didn’t have before, have him for most of the season, and earn most of his points. For just five clams you can drop dead weight, someone on the DL, or someone you’ve come to dislike because he spits too much. Truly, the $5 trade is a thing off beauty.
I bring this up because there are only 11 days left to make a $5 trade.
Here are some trading reminders:

• You can use our trade form to submit your trades.
• Owners can make ten trades anytime before the end of the Regular Season.
• You must submit your $5 trades by 11:59 pm EST on Tuesday, May 5th.
• The less exquisite $10 trade begins at midnight EST on Wednesday, May 6th.

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By Pedregoso Rios
We don’t know if you noticed, but we here at the technologically bereft SLPL front offices are finally Twittering. (Seriously, what does that even mean?) We haven’t figured out exactly how to make it work for us yet, but for now we’ve decided to post-up breaking news (we were all over the deaths of Kalas and Fidrych, as you’d expect), crucial injuries or DL moves, owner’s smart alec reasons for making trades, and random smart-ass observations. If you’re on Twitter and want to follow us, click this here button:

You don’t need to join Twitter to follow us, though. Just look over there on the right, in the sidebar, under “pedregoso.” Updates on Twitter are reflected in that ugly blue panel.

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By Pedregoso Rios
In his 4/14 “Welcome From The Santa Lechuga Commish!,” SLPL Head-Honcho Rube Furrow inadvertently forgot to welcome his favorite new owner, Santa Anna’s owner Anna Pankoke. Despite the fact that she’s easy to overlook -- heck, she’s a teeny-tiny ten weeks old -- Rube and his editors are sincerely sorry for failing to personally welcome Anna and her Santa Anna’s into the league. She is seriously, wonderfully welcome in this league and we apologize for missing her earlier. Our bad.

Santa Anna’s Owner Anna Pankoke

Incidentally, there’s no truth to the rumor that Anna’s parents, Julie (Bauer’s Bandits) and Aaron (Strokes), helped Anna select her roster by holding her over a large list of players so she could spit up on the names of the players she wanted. Whatever method she used to select her players seemed to work for her early in the season, with Anna reaching third place just a week ago. And though she’s in 26th place today, Julie and Aaron are said to be resenting Anna’s savant-like roster-picking skills.

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
SportsPickle.com delivers again.

If the Washington Nationals keep up their stellar play so far this season, the same story will have to be written about them next MLB off-season.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Veteran owners will recall that Kevin Klinkhamer, owner of Dongwhipped, contributed regularly to this blog last season by providing good content and/or links for us to post. The folks at SLPL Blog Central (a.k.a., me) welcomed the regular reprieves from the blog monotony, and fellow owners welcomed the change of pace from our normal mundanity. (Seriously, “mundanity” is a word? I thought I just made it up. But my spell check didn’t flag the word as misspelled, so I looked in the dictionary and there’s “mundanity”: “Lacking interest or excitement; dull.” And, seriously, is anyone else catching the irony of this little mundanity?) To our collective relief, Kevin’s again agreed to provide us with regular contributions. Tune in tomorrow for Kevin’s first contribution for season.

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By Pedregoso Rios
It was a good day to be me yesterday. My Cleveland Indians went a long way to repair the pain of their horrendous early season start by absolutely crushing and embarrassing the New York Yankees yesterday at the new Yankee Stadium. And my Pepino Monos, for the first time since the SLPL began in the late 1800s, moved into first place in the Overall Standings.

Now, before you think I’m bragging, don’t. I know how fleeting all this is. Carl Pavano is on the mound for the Indians today and if there’s anyone who can re-open the gaping wound that is the Indians horrendous early season start, it’s Carl Pavano. And then there’s me, who in the course of a week can make as many as five boneheaded trades for mirage players who look good today but won’t hit another home run for the season.

No, I’m not bragging. I’m just going to allow myself to enjoy it until it all comes crashing down around me, which could be as early as today.

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By Pedregoso Rios
The Onion delivers again.

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By Pedregoso Rios
On a day in which Hatchetwound, owned by rookie David Adrian (aka SugarFree), took over first place in the Overall Standings, it seems appropriate to emphasize the creepy...

I, Pedregoso Rios, VP of Creepy of the Santa Lechuga Power League, couldn’t possibly continue to be called the VP of Creepy if I didn’t link to this article. If you are like me and enjoy accounts of vicious, horrible, tragic and brutal deaths and injuries at a baseball stadium, you’ll love this article.

And before you go thinking I’m sitting all comfy and stuff, safe from potential harm’s way, in the owner’s box during all of the Pepino Monos home games, check this out:

Yep, those four seats are mine. (Don’t ask why the owner of the Momos can’t get *front* row seats at his own stadium; it’s a very long story having to do with an ill-advised very long night of drinking and gambling.) Note that I’m not behind any fancy-dancy screen. Note that I’m totally within striking distance of foul balls, flying bats or potential brawls I might be forced to provoke with players from the visiting team. Should I, the VP of Creepy, experience a vicious, horrible, tragic and brutal death while sitting in these seats, assume I was doing what I loved doing when I died. (Check that. Assume I was doing what I loved doing moments before I died; I kinda think I won’t love the part where the broken bat enters my forehead.) Deal?

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By Pedregoso Rios
The dude’s old enough to know better.

No excuses.

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By Pedregoso Rios
You’d think I’d have something good and snarky to share on Tax Day, but I got nothin’. Taxes just aren’t funny. Teabagging (of the economic variety) is pathetic. And I’m noticing that three-and-a-half months of ’09 are already gone. So, best to all of you on this sad little day.

But, oh hey! My Pepinos Monos haven’t fallen into 37th place already this season. I guess that’s something. For me, at least. I hope you find something small to be joyful about today.

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By Pedregoso Rios
A couple of rookie owners have asked how to make a trade in this league, so we decided to ‘splain. It’s pretty easy, we promise.

Because teams can “share” players (i.e., a player can be on more than one team), you don’t have to worry about trying to persuade another owner to swap a player with you. Instead, you merely tell league officials (a.k.a., Rube and Pedregoso) via e-mail the name of the player you would like to drop and the name of the player you would like to add. Or, use the brand new Handy-Dandy High-Tech Trade-Submittin’ Form (yeah, we’ve got one of those now, too!) to tell us who you’d like to drop and add. It really is that easy.

There are a few other things about which you should be aware, though:

• You roster is limited to five pitchers and ten hitters. If you drop a pitcher, you have to add a pitcher. If you drop a hitter, you have to pick up a hitter.
• A trade goes into effect one day after you make the trade. As in: If you get the trade to us at 12 midnight on Tuesday morning instead a minute earlier on Monday night, the trade won’t go into effect until Wednesday. Thems is the breaks, baby.
• You only get ten trades the entire season.
• Trades are cheaper the earlier in the season you make ‘em.

You rookie owners, let us know if you have additional questions.

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By Pedregoso Rios
No! Being inducted into the National Polish-American Sports Hall of Fame would not have qualified Mark "The Bird" Fidrych for the Hall-of-Fame Death Watch Pool. R.I.P., crazy man.

P.S. Who knew Wikipedia kept a handy-dandy death-tracking page? Awesome!

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By Pedregoso Rios
You’ve no doubt heard about the death of Philadelphia Phillies announcer Harry Karas. News accounts have all referred to him as “Hall-of-Fame” announcer, which likely prompted a lot of owners to check to see if they have him on their rosters. (No one did.) But here’s the deal: Harry Karas was not an inductee in the Hall-of-Fame and thus he was not eligible for the Hall-of-Fame Death Watch Pool. Instead, Karas was a Ford C. Frick Award Honoree. Even this HOF link makes a distinction between inductees and honorees when it says: “...Each award recipient (not to be confused with an inductee) is presented with a calligraphy of the award during the Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony...” So it’s an award, not an induction, that announcers receive. So don’t go thinking you can backdoor a Frick award winner in future seasons.

And while we’re clarifying: Mascots in the Mascot Hall-of-Fame don’t qualify either, Sue Klinkhamer. So, even though you want the Phillies Phanatic to die in horrifying ways, his brutal death will not gain you any points towards the HOF Death Watch Pool. (Though, of course, it’s fun to know you hate the Phanatic that much; in the event of his untimely demise, we promise to all give you a toast.)

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By Pedregoso Rios
You’ve no doubt heard by now that a crazed lady in Berlin jumped into the enclosed polar bear habitat at a German zoo. You’ve probably even seen the video. But you probably haven’t seen the most excellent video re-mix:

And people say *we* have too much time on our hands.

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By Rube Furrow
The crocus are abloom, the goats are birthing, and the infielders are adjusting their cups. Yes, it’s springtime in Santa Lechuga!

And, yes, the Santa Lechuga Power League is back for another season. Nearly bigger and most definitely better than ever. Thanks to SLPL VP of Creepy Pedregoso Rios, we’ve got a tasteful new Web presence. We’re Twittering. We’ve even got an inexplicable link to The Onion, the first of what will be lots of inexplicable links during the season.

Better yet, Commissioner Rube Furrow is thrilled that we’ve weeded out the deadbeats (whatever happened to Kenny Ottmar, anyway?). And we’ve replaced them with a terrific rookie class of owners who have enthusiastically paid their entry fees already. This pleases Rube greatly.

Rube welcomes the Merfelds, Mark and Kevin, despite their affinity for LA teams. Rube welcomes Dave Adrian, who Rube wouldn’t know from a hole in the ground but already admires due to his swift payment of the entry fee and due to his appropriate selection of a team name. Rube welcomes a past-owner back into the league, Scott Allen (or was that Allen Scott?) and hopes his ScootBigs do his name justice. Rube welcomes the Thornburg Boys--Brian, Adrian, and Benjamin--who have put their heads together to create a team that is already impressing the scouts. Rube welcomes Nate Meyers, who bit on Pedregoso's Facebook bait and chose a team name that we hope applies to a lot of our Hall-of-Famers. Rube welcomes Matt Ramirez and sends best wishes for a successful season to the Cougars (Kane County). Rube welcomes Ray Jasutis, who put the "pathetic" in Athletics. Rube welcomes Joe DeLeo and expects big things from his Batterbings. And Rube welcomes the Klinkhamer, Cline & Cline crew and hopes they ride their horses hard to a good finish.

And Rube welcomes back all our great competitors from the awesome 2008 season, including reigning champ Mark Olivarria.

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By Pedregoso Rios
...crazy Indianapolis people in sword-fights kill people.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Sorry for the delay, guys.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Tragedy is tragedy. (Lost fans should understand this allusion based on Wednesday’s episode.) He had a bright future and died way too young. It surely is a sad day.

Sadder still is that *six* Santa Lechuga owners have already chimed in to lament that he wasn’t a Cardinals pitcher. One even went so far as to suggest that we open the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool to include on pitcher from each MLB team and not just Cardinals pitchers. Guys, let this sad news breath a little. The dude just died. Don’t forget the formula: Tragedy + Time = Comedy.

Saddest of all personally is what it says about me that all six of those owners contacted *me,* like I’m Mr. Tragedy over here. Hey, I’m not the arbiter of death just ‘cause I sponsor the Creepy Cardinals Death Watch Pool...I just help take the edge off the tragedy with a little black humor after the immediate horror of the tragedy passes.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Eagled-eye owners probably noticed that the SLPL is not naming divisions after Lettuce Entertain You (LEY) restaurants (e.g., Ben Pao®, Café Barbareeba, Scoozi!, Wow Bao) anymore. LEY notified league officials that they had cancelled their league sponsorship while the officials dined at a Pete’s Hot Dogs in Santa Lechuga Tuesday afternoon. An inside source said that the officials freaked on hearing the news, causing three of them to simultaneously projectile-vomit pieces of hot dog on nearby walls and diners.

In other division news, the SLPL chose a different approach to splitting the teams into divisions. Rather than putting the team names into a ball cap and drawing them, as it had in previous years, the league decided to be lazy-butts this season and just alphabetized the teams into divisions -- seriously ... see for yourself -- then name the divisions by taking portions of names from two teams in each division. We’re partial to the Chowder-Suck Division, though the Guzz-Nats has a nice ring to it, too.

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By Pedregoso Rios
While we’re getting our acts together, why not spend some time getting familiar with the website and all our links? For example, check out the ’09 Stuff tab and all the links. Or, explore all the links under the MLB tab, which keeps you up-to-date on all things related to Major League Baseball.

(Okay, so we’re trying to buy some time over here. We’ll get the standings and stats up as soon as we can, we promise!)

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By Pedregoso Rios
The 2009 Santa Lechuga Power League began yesterday with 48 teams joining the fun, up from last season’s 42 teams. “It’s well short of the 60 teams but we were hoping to have, but we’re taking the long-view,” Commissioner Rube Furrow said. “There’s no riff-raff this season. The veteran teams are all gamers, no doubt, and the new teams look really tough, so we we’re thinking this will be one heck of a competitive season.”

Furrow said 11 new owners have joined the league. “We lost a few, but we gained a lot. The few that we lost were real deadbeats, anyway,” Furrow said. “A couple of them never paid. Worse, they never even tried to be competitive by making trades.”

Last year’s champ Mark Olivarria, owner of Dodger Blue, said he was excited for the new season. “I hope to be the first owner to win back-to-back championships,” Olivarria said. “To those of you who think I can’t do it, I have one word for you: Bring it!!!”

A few administrative things...

First, league officials indicated that standings and stats will not be posted until this weekend at the earliest. “We say this every year, only to get them up in a day or two, but this season we mean it,” VP of Creepy Pedregoso Rios said. “Look, we’re busy. We’ll get to it when we get to it. But once we get to it, it’ll run like a top for the rest of the season. So, relax. Watch some actual games. Then check back here this weekend.”

Second, even though we haven’t posted the standings and stats, you can still make trades. Trades during the first month of the season are $5. If you have a trade, e-mail Rube and Pedregoso with your trades.

Third, Commissioner Furrow will soon be sending a hearty welcome to owners. Be on the lookout for it.

Home, owners should check the list below to confirm that their teams are listed. If you’re not on the list, we didn’t get your roster. Please re-send it to Rube and Pedregoso ASAP.

2009 Teams & Owners
• A Team To Be Named Later, Sue Klinkhamer
• Apocalypse Dudes, Nate Meyers
• Athletic Supporters, Peggy Bocox
• Bad Spinach, Jim Johnson
• Bauer's Bandits, Julie Pankoke
• Big Cox, Jeff Cox
• Bleed Blue, Brandon Olivarria
• BM Blasters, Bill & Maggie Cunning
• Cabbage Farmers, Paul Martin
• Cameltowing, Inc., Dave Edison
• Cantrell's House, Vern Visher
• Carrboro T-Birds, Brian Thornburg, Adrian Thornburg, & Benjamin Thornburg
• Chowder Clam, Marc Cabrera & Laith Agha
• Cougar Hunter, Matt Ramirez
• Democratic Alliance for the Betterment of Hong Kong, Ian Hicks
• Dodger BlueMark Olivarria
• Dongwhipped, Kevin Klinkhamer
• Ed Sox (Yankees Suck), Ed Gross
• El Hombre, Kevin Merfeld
• Fetacelli Rats, Michael Pieper
• Forty Ounce Guzzlers, Scott Forstner
• Full Circuits, Bill Cunning
• G.O.P.d Their Pants, Kathy Livernois
• Guao Wee!, Richard Livernois
• Guzzlyn Suds, Guzzlyn Suds
• Hahnyacher, Vince Livernois
• Hatchetwound, David Adrian
• Highlanders 2009, Rick Coppock
• Keep on Shockin', Jeren Livernois
• Natsox, Sue Klinkhamer
• Pathetics, Ray Jasutis
• Pelons, Matt Martin
• Pepino Monos, Pedregoso Rios
• Sandyeggo Trippers, Jack Tripp
• Santa Anna's, Santa Anna's
• ScootBigs, Scott Allen
• Semper Fidelis Bulldogs, Danielle Collier
• Shankopotamus, Mark Merfeld
• Strokes, Aaron Pankoke
• Summer Sausages, Jim Hicks
• Tacky Cardias, Dan Klinkhamer
• Team Batterbing, Joe DeLeo
• Team of Ninjaviduals, Katie Jane Surratt
• Tres Caballeros, Klinkhamer/Cline
• Washington Bullets, Jim Cummings
• Who’s On First?, Suzie Rochellle
• Willie Bobs, Joe Livernois
• Zippin Zitos, Meg Cox

Welcome to the '09 SLPL! Good luck!

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By Pedregoso Rios
Gotta love this: “Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon,” especially the droll reactions of the residents. My favorite, though: “In the last year, the viciously mutilated bodies of 57 Lake Wobegon citizens have been found in the lake. Nine of those discovered were members of the town's floundering baseball team, the Whippets, whose severed throwing arms were never discovered.”

After reading this, I’m glad my Pepino Monos stopped playing the Whippets two seasons ago after our manager was arrested for disorderly conduct during a game. (If you don’t remember, Carl didn’t just throw first and second base into the outfield for an umpire’s bad call; he excavated home plate with his bare hands and threw it at the Whippets batboy.)

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By Pedregoso Rios
Check out the big brain on Pedregoso! We now have a handy-dandy, high-tech, roster-submittin’ form that you can use to do your roster submittin’. Use it here.

Rosters are due by 1:09 pm EST on Monday, April 6, 2009.

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By Pedregoso Rios
If you’re thinking about joining our league -- and we’d love to have you! -- here are some basics:

• This is fantasy baseball simplified. You choose a roster of hitters and pitchers. We award points to a hitter when he hits a home run and subtract points every time he strikes out. We award points to a pitcher for every strike out he throws and subtract points when he gives up a home run. The goal is to try to score more points than the other teams. It’s really that easy. League organizers track the stats and post the standings while you sit back and enjoy this here league blog.
• As sort of side-bets, we have two Death Watch pools. You choose five Hall-of-Famers and one Cardinal pitch you think might die during the season. Then you sit back and watch SportsCenter to see who might have kicked the bucket.
• We pay out every dollar that’s collected to season champs ... and there’s always a slew of champs. Like division champs. A hitting champ. A pitching champ. A regular season champ. An overall champ. You get the idea. Last season, 14 owners split $2,265.
• Did I mention that Joe Morgan is a Hall-of-Famer? In what other fantasy baseball league can you actively root for Joe Morgan’s untimely death and potentially win money when he mercifully finally does?
• To stay competitive, you can make ten trades over the season, though each one will cost you.
• When you become an owner, you agree to pay the $25 ownership fee and for every trade. If you don’t pay in a timely manner, you agree that we can make fun of you amongst your fellow owners for being a deadbeat. Why? Because if you don’t pay, the champs will be shorted what they rightfully earned.
• We have our own league bobblehead, the infamous Bobblehead-of-Lettuce.
• Rube Furrow is the alter-ego of Joe Livernois, the league founder. Pedregoso Rios is the alter-ego of Tony Livernois, the league founder’s brother with mean website Kung Fu. They operate the league by themselves as a sort of diversionary hobby, but they make it sound as though there really are front offices, real employees, and an actual town in California called Santa Lechuga.
• Santa Lechuga, which translates to Saint Lettuce, is not a real town. Don’t let Rube or Pedregoso convince you otherwise.

That’s it for now. We might add some more as we get closer the Monday. In the meantime, you can check out the detailed rules here and see exactly how payouts are awarded here. We hope to get your roster Monday!

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By Pedregoso Rios

The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ for the new season to begin. New owners can read our rules here, see how we award payouts here, and read our history here. To see last season’s website, go here. For those who are fans of horror, read about the evil Bobblehead-of-Lettuce here.

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