By Pedregoso Rios
I thought they already did this:

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

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By Pedregoso Rios
So where the hell my Pepino Monos go? The last time I checked on them they were hanging around the top tenners, enjoying the occasional creep into 7th place. But then, somehow, they dropped all the way to 19th place. This morning they’re in 18th. I suspect it’s a refusal to drop the likes of a Nate McLouth from my roster that’s done it in for my Monos this week. Depressive.

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By Pedregoso Rios
So where the hell did Kathy Livernois’ G.O.P.d Their Pants come from? The last time I checked on them they were lounging uncomfortably amongst the middle-of-the-pack riff-raff, doing nothing to distinguish themselves. But then, somehow, they made a huge jump in the standings all the way to tenth place. This morning they’re in sixth. I suspect it’s the combo of Berkman, Braun, Fielder, and two players that she picked up in trades earlier this month that’s done it for Kathy’s G.O.P.d this week. Impressive.

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By Pedregoso Rios
So where the hell did Dan Klinkhamer’s Tacky Cardias come from? The last time I checked on them they were lounging uncomfortably amongst the middle-of-the-pack riff-raff, doing nothing to distinguish themselves. But then, somehow, they made a huge jump in the standings all the way to fourth place. This morning they’re in third. I suspect it’s the combo of Berkman, Braun, Cabrerra, and Utley that’s done it for Dan’s Cardias this week. Impressive.

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
"The first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880's" is the tag line for this product even though toilet paper in roll form did not become common until 1907. That is strike one and then you add in colors, softness, multiple ply paper, etc., and I am definitely taking the under on their claim.

Random thought: Hey, Major League Baseball Hall of Famers...can any of you start dying already! I realize there are plenty more celebrities than you guys but after the past few days (and last couple of MLB regular seasons), you have some catching up to do. I realize the recent rash of celebrity deaths wasn't a shock due to health issues, etc., but many of you are also old...and just keep living! So, live dangerously and go on a bende. Or be like former President Bush I and take up skydiving. Either way, it has been a good run for most of you and the SLPL needs your help in making the first HOF death pool payout in 2009.

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By Pedregoso Rios
By holding the top spot for 22 out of the last 23 days, Who’s On First’s Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle has sort of really blown our minds. When she took over the top spot, we thought it was a mirage. We thought it was a fluke. We thought it couldn’t last. We thought she’d drop like an anchor. But there she’s been, dominating the league for over three weeks.

But there may be an opening.

Suzie’s leaving for Europe on Sunday and will be gone for a spell. We don’t know if she’ll even have Internet access to track for injuries while she’s gone. Anyone picking up the scent here? Know what I’m saying? Comprende?

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By Pedregoso Rios
Monterey Herald chief photographer and SLPL owner of Cantrell's House Vern Fisher recently dug up a picture of me that I didn’t want to ever find the light of day, but he’s holding my dog Fred hostage until I release it to the wild. Vern scoured his archives for this photo only after Commissioner Rube Furrow made the observation that Ed Helms appeared to have found inspiration in mimicking me in the movie “The Hangover.”

I resemble the implication. Now Vern, gimme Fred back.

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By Pedregoso Rios
We previously asked if you could figure out Aaron’s Law, posited by Strokes owner Aaron Pankoke, from the following picture:

We had one guess posted in the comments. It was from Commissioner Rube Furrow, who predictably said he thought he saw the face of Jesus in the banana. That’s Rube for you, always seeing things in his fruits and vegetables. Heck, last week he claimed he saw all seven dwarves in his half-eaten taco salad and tried to sell it on eBay.

Anyway, Aaron’s Law can be stated thusly: If you bring home a bunch of bananas, the last banana will almost always remain uneaten. Since hearing Aaron describe the law more than a year ago, I’ve purposely tried to break it as often as possible but have only succeeded an average of once in every ten attempts. Damn law.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Speaking of Strokes owner Aaron Pankoke ...

Take a look at the following picture and see if you can figure out what Aaron’s Law might be. (Hint: It doesn’t have anything to do with the apple.) We’ll reveal the answer in a future entry.

(Hey Aaron, do you want to send me an e-mail explaining the law? Or, would you like me to take a cut at describing it?)

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By Pedregoso Rios
...the Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ for all of you.

Happy Father’s Day!

And here’s a special message to Aaron Pankoke, owner of The Strokes, who’s not only celebrating his first Father’s Day with his daughter, Anna Pankoke, owner of Santa Anna’s, but is also celebrating a birthday today. Happy Father’s/Birth Day, Aaron! The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is working overtime to bobble for you, man:

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
As many of you know, I have posted links in the past stating my dislike for Philadelphia Phillies' fans ... and the Phillie Phanatic (get a haircut!). Well, here is another recent beauty from Citizens Bank Park. The action starts at the 33 second mark and if you look closely, there is not a Toronto Blue Jays fan in sight. You stay classy Philly fans!

Editor’s Note: Kevin, the link you sent didn’t work. Was this the video you were looking for? (There’s a payoff close to the :33 mark, and the payoff is less than classy, but the Blue Jays reference doesn’t make sense. If this isn’t the right one, resend the link, okay?)

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By Pedregoso Rios
League VP of Creepy Pedregoso Rios has been called to testify in front of the House on lettuce smoking Friday. Because he will be in this nation’s capital, this blog--along with the standings and stats--will not be updated on Friday. We will return to our regularly scheduled programming Saturday. We are sorry that anyone may feel outrage by this inconvenience. (Note the non-apology apology. We’re not apologizing for actually providing the inconvenience; we’re apologizing that you may act like a spoiled brat to the inconvenience we’re providing. Can you tell I’ve been preparing to testify in front of a bunch of politicians?)

Meanwhile, with a tip of the ballcap to Kevin Klinkhamer for providing this link, check out this follow-up to the recent seagull incident.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Another line crossed ... as only The Onion can cross it:

Gymnast Shawn Johnson Euthanized After Breaking Leg
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By Pedregoso Rios
Uh oh. The following was recently discovered on Commissioner Rube Furrow’s Flip Mino video camera:

Start studying your monkey rodeo statistics now, folks ... I believe the rumors that Rube is scrapping the SLPL next season in favor of starting a Monkey Fantasy Rodeo league may just be true.

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By Pedregoso Rios
In His press conference from a few years back, Mr. Deity foreshadows why Dwight Howard should have just kept his yapper shut:

You see, He simply loves watching Kobe play. Dwight never stood a chance.

And people, floss regularly, willya?!

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By Pedregoso Rios
Our boi-E, Kevin Klinkhamer, forwarded this link for me to use. He said something about me being able to come up with something witty to introduce it, what with me being a long-suffering Cleveland Indians fan. But the depression I feel about my Tribe this season prevents me from generating anything approximating witty when it comes to the Indians. So, you enjoy the video while I try to avoid thinking of all the times I myself have flipped the bird while watching the Indians this year.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Rep. Steve Buyer has been talking to a certain league official recently, as is evidenced by this clip (tip of the ballcap to Sue Klinkhamer):

In Other News...
League stats and standing, along with this blog, won’t be updated until later Sunday.

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By Pedregoso Rios
We have not been able to verify that Commissioner Rube Furrow intends to scrap the Santa Lechuga Power League next season in favor of a fantasy monkey rodeo league. It doesn’t help, though, that we found the following photo on Rube’s digital camera:

If we hear more, we’ll keep you updated.

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
Here is a video of a guy who has way too much time on his hands in the gym. However, it is very impressive what he does. And contrary to what you might think, it is just a coincidence I stumbled upon this video as Pedregoso and I aren't going to start an Exercise Ball Video of the Month link.

Crazy Exercise Ball Trick - Watch more Funny Videos
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By Pedregoso Rios
...but we love a good horse race! Between Who’s On First?, owned by Suzie Rochellle, Cameltowing, Inc., owned by David Edison, and Apocalypse Dudes, owned by Nate Meyers, this season has already provided a hell of a race. Who do you have your money on?

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By Pedregoso Rios
...crazy South Bend people with swords under the sofa hurt people.

Man, what is it about Indiana and swords?

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By Pedregoso Rios
Some lines should never be crossed, but this is cringingly-funny enough to make an exception. Do not watch this if you want to feel good about yourself as a human being for the rest of the day:

New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free
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By Pedregoso Rios
This link comes from Hahnyacher owner Vince Livernois, who advises: “Get beyond the over-producing, crappy producing and watch this guy!” (This 16-year-old phenom is also featured in this week’s Sports Illustrated.)

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By Pedregoso Rios
Will any pitcher besides Carlos Zambrano hit a home run this year?

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
As a die-hard Mets fan, this is how I felt last night after hearing the news Jose Reyes had partially torn his hamstring ... except, instead of plain old water, the balloon would be filled with his replacement Alex Cora's urine.

However, I am hanging in there in SLPL so I still have a reason to watch baseball this season.

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By Pedregoso Rios
These are impressive:

After seeing this, I think all the owners of SLPL teams can be happy that the SLPL bans video cameras at all our ballparks.

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Suzie Fricken! Rochellle’s Who’s On First? is now in first place.

Hell has officially frozen over.

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By Pedregoso Rios
A photo that Pepino Monos owner Pedregoso Rios (Tony Livernois) took of Chicago’s famous “Bean” (a.k.a., Cloud Gate) was recently selected by Schmap for their online Chicago Guide. (Schmap found the photo on Flickr and asked if they could use it.) Here’s the photo they used:

The Bean (a.k.a., Cloud Gate)

It’d be a bigger honor if Schmap didn’t also include in their guide dozens of Bean photos that other people took. And it’d way be less humiliating if dozens of those photos weren’t way better than this one. Oh well.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Recent comments (see “Got Something to Say?” below each blog entry) out of Indiana indicate that Fat Bastard (Jim Hicks), owner of the Summer Sausages, may be a dragon. The evidence?

Fat Bastard, The Dragon?

Or maybe past-champ Old Mackey (Ian Hicks), owner of Democratic Alliance for the Betterment of Hong Kong, found a fun photo manipulation app for his iPhone. There’s just no way to tell.

Incidentally, the last time we saw flames coming out of Bastard’s orifices was shortly after a particularly heady round eating two dozen nuclear chicken wings.

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