By Pedregoso Rios
We don’t usually bring you the classics here on this blog, but this here is a different kind of classic:

(This one’s for league friend, Missy, who may not consider us friends after watching this. )

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By Pedregoso Rios
The littlest and youngest owner in the history of the SLPL, Santa Anna’s owner Anna Pankoke, continues to impress the rest of humanity by successfully completing her first 5K just five months after her birth. After a tough, several-month training regimen that included training her own mother, Bauer’s Bandits owner Julie Pankoke--who was also completing her first 5K--Anna rode her specially fitted running stroller across the finish line in under 33 minutes, beating her stated goal by over 27 minutes. “I did it!” Anna gurgled shortly after the Viking Sunset 5K in Geneva Wednesday night. “But I owe it all to my mom, who was with me every step of the way. When I told her I wanted to run the race, my mom said she’d do whatever she could to make it happen. And she did! I’m so proud of her.” Reports say Anna took the event in stride, effortlessly completing the race while napping for much of it and rooting her mom on the rest of the way.

Congrats to the racing team of Pankoke & Pankoke!

Anna Pankoke at the Viking Sunset 5K, with Julie Pankoke in tow


Anna, crossing the finish line
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By Pedregoso Rios
Worthy.

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By Pedregoso Rios

The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ today for Fetacelli Rats owner Michael Pieper, who celebrates a birthday today. The Pipe’s Rats haven’t been very competitive this year, but that’s forgivable since the dude’s been fairly busy planning for his October 10th wedding. I mean, you wouldn’t want to be too worried about playoff baseball during a wedding and honeymoon, now would you?

Happy Birthday, Pieper!

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By Pedregoso Rios
You were conscious when you hit the water, right?

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By Pedregoso Rios

The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ today for Bauer’s Bandits owner Julie Pankoke, who’s celebrating a birthday. Julie’s not been very active in the league this season since becoming disillusioned after falling fast from the top of the league after the first week, but we’ll give her a pass since she’s also been rather busy raising the cutest damn owner in the league, Santa Anna’s owner Anna Pankoke. In related news, word has it that Julie carries absolutely no resentment toward Anna since Anna took Julie’s crown as Cutest Damn Owner In the League, thereby making Julie the runner-up.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Seriously, this one is beautiful perfection. The web page at which the following photo is posted is titled “Cubs Fan Yet To Figure Out How To Use A Hat.” I can’t help but laugh every time I look at this:

Cubs Fan Yet To Figure Out How To Use A Hat
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By Pedregoso Rios
My detestation of the White Sox runs deep and infinite, but even I have to relent and give Mark Buehrle his due for yesterday’s bit of perfection. And, damn, did you see that Dewayne Wise shutout-saving, no-hitter-saving, perfection-saving juggle/catch in the bottom of the 9th inning? Holy scholy, that was pure sweetness. Even I get the chills when I hear the radio call replay of that catch ... and my detestation of those announcers is almost as deep and infinite as it is for the White Sox.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Admit it, you wish were this good a bowler:

Admit it, if you were playing in the lane next to him, you’d want to pour your beer on him.

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By Pedregoso Rios
If you want to know why Pedregoso Rios is feeling spite today, check out the ballplayer holding the 12th position in the following list of current home run leaders:

Russell Branyan. Dude already had more home runs at the All-Star break this season than he did the entire season that Pedregoso drafted him for his Pepino Monos, when Branyan was being touted as the Next Big Thing ... eight years ago.

Get bent, Branyan.

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
Check out this stroke, apparently impersonating a marsupial, chipping his teeth. Diving into a pool the size of a postage stamp and as deep as Megan Fox ... what could go wrong there??? (Language NSFW.)

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How Not to Jump Into a Pool - Watch more Funny Videos

I love how, with a straight face, he seems surprised that he actually hit the floor of a pool that can't be over three feet deep. A couple inches to the left or right and we might have had another Darwin Award winner. However, something tells me this won't be his last submission.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Thanks, one and all, for allowing me the three-day reprieve from official blog-posting and standings-updating. The Pitchfork Music Festival was outstanding, the batteries are all re-charged and I’m feeling good. And while we didn’t get to see anything as, uh, interesting as the lettuce bikinis that I posted Friday, you unfortunately didn’t get to see the many interesting things that were to be seen at Pitchfork, like the Cindy Lou Who of All Festival Goers being accompanied by the Asian MC Hammer. Hey, Asian MC Hammer, the 80s called and they want those pants back. (Or is it: Hey, Asian MC Hammer, the 00’s called and the don’t want those pants here?)

So anyways, glad to see the league’s still intact and still running like a top. But I do have one favor to ask: If you know of any SLPL pitchers that hit a home run this weekend, please e-mail me at pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com.

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By Pedregoso Rios
We here are the Official Blog of the Santa Lechuga Power League are taking a three-day break to enjoy the Pitchfork Music Festival in Chicago. We’ll see you on Monday, when we’ll update all transactions (retroactively, if needed) and update the standings and stats.

To tide over our blog fans, we leave you with the following photos (the story follows the pictures). But first, great thanks to Sue Klinkhamer for first giving us this story. Kudos to the Great Saint Lettuce for making the lettuce leaf just so. Appreciation, it goes without saying, to whoever it was that dreamt up the lettuce leaf bikini. Props, certainly, to whoever it was that didn’t just dream it but actually created the lettuce leaf bikini. And, finally, special thanks to the good folks at PETA, who still haven’t learned that putting Playboy models in lettuce-leaf bikinis every year does nothing to reduce our meat consumption but does give us at least one annual blog post.

Photos: Jayde Nicole and Jo Garcia, Playboy

From Roll Call
Heard on the Hill: It’s a Live One
July 16, 2009
By Emily Heil and Elizabeth Brotherton
Roll Call Staff

Veggie Dog Day Afternoon.
The oft-quoted adage that nobody reads Playboy for the articles could probably apply to this HOH item — because we’ll be impressed if anybody interested in the topic looks beyond the accompanying photo.

Playboy Playmate of the Year Jayde Nicole and fellow playmate Jo Garcia came to Capitol Hill on Wednesday, joining People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals staffers, to hand out free veggie hot dogs to hungry Congressional staffers at the Independence Avenue entrance to the Rayburn House Office Building.

It’s an annual tradition for the animal rights group to serve the meat-free dogs to urge people to become vegetarian, and, keeping with tradition, Nicole and Garcia had stripped down to nothing but stiletto heels, a Playboy bunny necklace and bikinis made of strategically placed pieces of lettuce.

Their bikini tops were essentially bras made of lettuce (embellished with tiny rhinestones) while their bottoms consisted of a piece of lettuce covering their front and sheer, nylon fabric trimmed with green lace covering their bums. (Well, maybe “covering” isn’t the right word.)

“They’re wonderful representatives of the fact that going vegetarian is a great way to maintain a sexy, fit body,” PETA spokeswoman Ashley Byrne told HOH.

Vegetarianism: We’re sure that’s what all the googly-eyed, 20-something male staffers on hand were thinking about as they snapped pictures.

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By Pedregoso Rios

The’ve Only Just Begun
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By Pedregoso Rios

Soon To Be Extinct

Getchyer $10 trades in before 7:00 pm tonight (Eastern time) ‘cause they’re going up to $15 after that. And while you’re at it, why not check out how much you owe and pay your fees?

Good luck in the second half of the season!

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By Pedregoso Rios

Remember how pissed off we all were when the All-Star Game ended in a tie several years ago? Well, yeah, that. Last night’s All-Star game produced two SLPL pitchers who threw strikeouts and two SLPL hitters who struck out. There were no home runs either way. For comparison, last season my Excel spreadsheet could barely accommodate all the columns I had to add for all the K’s in the game, by both pitchers and hitters. And there was even a dong. Best of all, last season we had a single winner. This season? Not so much.

Okay, okay, I’ll try to show some enthusiasm for the rest of the entry, I promise...

The upside of last night’s game is that the Santa Lechuga Power League crowned six--count ‘em, six!--All-Star Co-Champs. The co-champs are: Bleed Blue’s Brandon Olivarria, Chowder Clam’s Marc Cabrera & Laith Agha, Forty Ounce Guzzlers’ Scott Forstner, Hahnyacher’s Vince Livernois, Tacky Cardias’ Dan Klinkhamer, and Who’s On First?’s Suzie Rochellle. For having squeezed 50 points out of last night’s anemic game--in addition to the 250 Home Run Derby points Monday night--these six teams get to split $150, which means those six teams have just covered the cost of their ownership fees.

Meanwhile, the SLPL Rules Committee has convened an emergency meeting this morning to figure out how to apply the Magic Number principle to the All-Star Game in future seasons. Recall that the Magic Number is intended to break the logjam of ties by reducing the number of owners who tie while increasing the size of the payout checks for winners. One idea being floated is, only in the event of a tie, to apply the Magic Number to the winning pitcher’s jersey number. If this rule had been in place this season, you’d use Papelbon jersey number, 58; since our Magic Numbers only go up to 31, we'd add the 5 and 8 together to get 13. That would mean that Scott Forstner, with Magic Number 13, would have received extra points and would have been crowned sole champ. (Sorry we didn’t have the foresight to have this rule in place already Scott!)

The further upside? The second half of the season begins tomorrow.

Speaking of which, if you want to make $10 trades, make ‘em before the first pitch tomorrow. If you want a player active and on your roster for tomorrow’s games, make your trade before midnight tonight. Trades go up to $15 after the first pitch of tomorrow’s first game.

Congrats to our co-champs!

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By Rube Furrow
So the Giants are 10 games over .500 at the All-Star break, Jonathan Sanchez has pitched the most improbable no-hitter in history, Albert Pujols did not win the Home Run Derby and Suzie Rochellle is enjoying Europe content in the knowledge that she’s leading the Santa Lechuga Power League.

Has the space-time continuum gone kablooey? Has the universe been sucked into a black hole? Has the current administration poisoned our water systems with hallucinogenics?

I mean, really! Suzie Rochellle dominating the SLPL at midseason? There is no plausible explanation for this. During the entire proud 125-year history of SLPL, Suzie’s teams have been traditional bottom-dwellers.

This is such a suspicious turn of events that I, in my position as commissioner, have launched a full-scale investigation into the matter. I have selected a qualified and expensive Blue-Ribbon Committee to look into the Suzie Rochellle Scandal and I expect a full report on my desk by the end of the month.

Other than the Suzie Rochellle Scandal, the SLPL appears to be in great shape this year. Rube Furrow’s own team, Willie Bobs, has successfully cemented its year-long position as the 39th best team in the league, a team called “Pathetics” (Ray Jasutis) is actually leading its division, and two newcomers to the league (Nate Meyers' Apocalypse Dudes and Mark Merfeld's Shankopotamus) are in the top-five overall at midseason.

VP of Creepy Pedregoso Rios seems to be impressed that SLPL has more than $2,200 in the payout pot so far, which means that lots of teams have been making lots of trades. Commissioner Rube Furrow is not quite so impressed, mainly because the league is in arrears by about $1,500 at midseason, which means that lots of teams have been making a lot of trades but not paying for them. (Hint: Pay early and pay often.)

Kudos to Pedregoso for a great SLPL Web presence this year. We’re twittered in, up to date and the best damn fantasy league in the world, because we say we are.

Have a great second half.

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By Pedregoso Rios

Twenty teams are celebrating Prince Fielder’s win last night in the Home Run Derby. Each of those 20 teams picked up 250 All-Star points. Meanwhile, 11 teams are cursing under their collective breath since they dropped the big ol’ boy from their rosters after Fielder got off to a slow start this season. It always hurts when a trade comes back to bit you in the butt.

Tonight, we crown an All-Star Champ. Here’s how points are awarded during the All-Star Game:

• Hitters earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K
• Pitchers earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered

If you’re one of the 11 teams to drop Fielder, don’t fret. At 150 points per dong, you still have a chance to win it all--the first championship of the ’09 season and $150.

All-Star standings are here. All-Star stats are here.

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By Pedregoso Rios

Tonight’s the HR Derby! Do you have a player on your roster that’s participating? If so, you have a chance to pick up 250 points toward the All-Star Standings. Here are the Derby line-ups (number in parentheses indicate number of SLPL teams with player):

• AL: Carlos, Pena (14), Brandon Inge (0), Nelson Cruz (6), and Joe Mauer (0)
• NL: Albert Pujols (46), Adrian Gonzalez (17), Prince Fielder (20), and Ryan Howard (41)

Good luck!

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By Pedregoso Rios

SLPL league honchos love this time of the season. It’ll take just two days and two events--Monday’s Home Run Derby and Tuesday’s All-Star Game--to crown a champ and cut a check. None of this waiting around for 162 games. None of this playoffs stuff. Nope. Two days. Two events. One champ. One check.

The only other time of the year that we can reliably have this much fun is when Rube’s brother Benny Furrow has his annual bash to celebrate his third divorce from his fourth wife, Kitty, and even that was ruined last year when he accidentally invited her to the party and then married her a fourth time before the sixth round of tequila poppers had arrived. We hate Kitty. (On the upside, the party’s on again this year since Kitty left Benny in March for a blogger from Calipatria, CA.)

Anyway, here’s how points are awarded toward the All-Star Standings:

• If a player on your roster wins the All-Star Home Run Derby, your team picks up 250 points
• Hitters earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K
• Pitchers earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered

If your team has the most combined points, you win $150.

Remember, points earned toward the All-Star Standings are allocated exclusively to the All-Star Standings and are not allocated to the Overall Standings.

Who do you have playing in the All-Star game? Check the NL roster here and the AL roster here. Remember, you can make trades for additional All-Stars by midnight tonight so that they’re eligible for the Home Run Derby.

Good luck! And, please, don’t invite Kitty to our All-Star viewing party Tuesday night, okay?

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By Pedregoso Rios
Players on SLPL rosters who are currently on a disabled list of some sort:

• Beltran, Carlos 15-DL

• Delgado, Carlos 15-DL

• Dempster, Ryan 15-DL

• Guerrero, Vladimir 15-DL

• Peavy, Jake 15-DL

• Quentin, Carlos 15-DL

• Soto, Geovany 15-DL

• Volquez, Edinson 15-DL
• Webb, Brandon 60-DL

This public service announcement brought to you by Folks Who Encourage You to Dump the Deadweight Before the Second Half of the Season Begins and the Alliance to Build the Pot for Eventual Champs.

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
This is sweet! You have to sit through two quasi-attempts before the payoff. I am guessing a ton of alcohol helped this guy feel better.

Lake Bike Jump Goes Very Wrong - Watch more Funny Videos

After viewing many videos like this I love how the person operating the camera always laughs the loudest.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Speaking of bananas...

I think this guy way overstates the difficulty of opening a banana the old way, but this is still interesting. And I’m laying good odds that Commissioner Rube Furrow already knew how to do this:

BTW, I’d be more impressed if the dude came up with a quick way to open the hard plastic they use to package small electronics.

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By Pedregoso Rios
We were doin’ some calculamatin’ this mornin’ in preparation for the All-Star break and the expected wave of final $10 trades. While figurin’, we thought it might be fun to figure out what was the best possible score an SLPL team could have assuming it picked the top ten hitters and top five pitchers at the beginning of the season and made no trades. And the score? 2,125 total. That breaks down to 1,652 hitting and 473 pitching points. For comparison’s sake, the current league leader, Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle’s Who’s On First, falls more than 400 points below that mark and sits at 1,721 total points.

Anyway, here’s a quick screen grab from my harried spreadsheet showing how players rank based on SLPL pointages. Check out Cano, who only has 13 home runs but still breaks my 100-point cutoff ‘cause of his low strikeouts. Or look at Gallardo, who has 120 strikeouts but drops hard ‘cause he’s given up 13 dongs.

Anyway, we don’t want to influence the trades you make this All-Star break, but maybe this’ll give you some fodder to work with. If nothing else, do your own calculamatin’ by checking out the current HR Leaders and K Leaders.

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By Pedregoso Rios

The MLB All-Star Game is a week away, which means big things here at the SLPL. Besides another one of our patented side-bets--where teams take their rosters into the Home Run Hitting Contest and All-Star Game in an effort to be crowned the All-Star Champ and earn at least 100 clams--it also marks the end of the reasonably-priced $10 trade. On the first pitch of the first official game after the All-Star game, trades will be bumped up to $15.

Here’s a tip: If you’re planning on making some $10 trades, think hard about when you want to make them. Are the players you’re dropping on the All-Star team? If not, you should make the trade before this Monday so you have the new players on your roster for the Home Run Hitting Contest and the All-Star Game. If the players you’re dropping are on the All-Star team, you might want to leave them on the roster until the Wednesday after the game; the trade will still cost $10, but you’ll have the players on your team to earn All-Star points for you.

A couple more reminders...

You can make your trades here.

You can bone-up on how All-Star points are awarded here.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Here’s a website that deserves a daily visit. It highlights dumb human ingenuity, crazy gerry-rigging, and Wasillabilly-like dopes clambering to get on the Darwin Awards list. For a sampling, here’s a recent fave entitled “MacGyver Headlight” (though I’m not sure MacGyver himself would have used something so obvious as an actual flashlight to replace a headlight):

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By Pedregoso Rios
I thought they already did this, too:

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less
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By Pedregoso Rios
Once a year I link to this song ... and am again reminded just how much I love this damn thing:

I wrote a poem on a dog biscuit
And your dog refused to look at it
So I got drunk and looked at the Empire State Building
It was no bigger than a nickel

(You’ll have to forgive Stacy, Rebecca and the crew for getting the artist and the song wrong. I like the loopy Wayne and Garth feel, though.)

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
WORST. NATIONAL. ANTHEM. EVER!

His fellow police officers trying not to laugh too hard is the best part...other than him butchering the song so bad.

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By Pedregoso Rios
This is a good way to visually describe how my season has gone so far:

Initial enthusiasm. Early success. Careful optimism to make another move. Epic fall. Epic fail.

Admit it, some of you feel the same way.

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By Kevin Klinkhamer
The Top 10 non-MLB home plate collisions...sweet! They are all entertaining, but here are the best three (with an honorable mention going to the catcher in #1 because she ended up losing two teeth...but did not hang onto the ball).

#8: A sweet collision from a high school game that provoked a bench clearing brawl (which is on the video). If I was the guy who was called out at home and the catcher did that to me he would not be able to play for a very long time (assuming I could get my hands on him during the brawl). The team in purple won the game on a walk-off grand slam. (Editor’s Note: This one’s interesting if only because the guy who edited the video appears to think we can’t follow the action unless he keeps showing clips to us again and again. And what’s with starting the music so deep into the clip?)

High School Baseball - Home plate collision & Bench clearing bra - Watch more Funny Videos

#7: During a promotional race at a minor league game, two Boy Scouts arrive at home plate at the exact same moment for a perfect collision. I love how the PA announcer emphatically states "it's a tie!" as the kids are still writhing around in pain. (Editor’s Note: I quite enjoy the suspense, thinking the pitcher’s going to bean a kid with a warmup toss. And I can’t stop watching the catcher’s classic goalie move where he tries to prevent both kids from shooting past him.)

#2: Current San Francisco Giant Pablo Sandoval calmly catches the ball from the center fielder and gets absolutely ROCKED and still hangs on for the out. Not too shabby but you still aren't going to win the batting title over my boy David Wright this year! (Editor’s Note: Hold me.)

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