By Pedregoso Rios
In the following, Santa Lechuga Power League Commissioner Rube Furrow (aka Joe Livernois) formally crowns Suzie Rochellle the 2009 Regular Season Champion and announces a big change for 2010 to try to get our Aussie family and friends to join the league.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Rube Furrow
A big tip of the Santa Lechuga cap to David Edison, the grand champion of the 4-H Club hog show at the Santa Lechuga County Fair this year. With his two-year-old, 225-pound pig named Cameltowing Inc., Edison blew away the rest of the swine competition. Along the way, Cameltowing also destroyed the field in this year's Santa Lechuga Power League competition, earning a hearty handshake and a sweet little check for $540. Congratulations to Cameltowing Inc.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ALL WINNERS: Please respond with your preferred snail mail address so Rube can send your check. Check below to see if you're a winner. If you're a loser, Rube doesn't want to hear from you (unless it’s to pay an outstanding balance). Because you're a loser.

It was a memorable season at SLPL, with Mark Olivarria scratching and clawing his way to a playoff championship even after his beloved Dodgers folded like a cheap card table in the postseason and with Suzie Rochelllllle adding sizzle to her life with a surprise regular season championship (word is she's using her winnings to purchase the alcohol for this year's Notre Dame-Stanford tailgate). On the other hand, to our deep disappointment, the SLPL was shut out yet again in the Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool. Rube about crapped the other night when he turned on the FOX Network (slogan: "We're here to drive away baseball fans during the World Series") to find Robin Roberts throwing out the first pitch and looking fit as a fiddle. D'OH!!!

By the way, is it just me or does Johnny Damon spend his off season filming those Geico caveman commercials?

Anyway, thanks to everyone for participating in this year's SLPL. And, remember, today may be the saddest day of the year, but spring training is only four months away!

Rube Furrow

2009 Champs

Playoff Champs
Overall Champ - David Edison, Cameltowing, Inc.
Playoff Champ - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue
Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool – N/A*

*No champ was named for the Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool since none of the soon-to-be worm-fooders chose to die this season. Again. Dangit.

Regular Season Champs
Regular Season Champ - Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?
Hitting Champ - Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?
Pitching Champ - Tony Livernois, Pepino Monos
Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ - Sue Klinkhamer, Natsox
A-Cox Division Champ - Jim Johnson, Bad Spinach
Bleed-T-Birds Division Champ - David Edison, Cameltowing, Inc.
Chowder-Suck Division Champ - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue
El-Wee! Division Champ - Scott Forstner, Forty Ounce Guzzlers
Guzz-Nats Division Champ - Jeren Livernois, Keep on Shockin'
Pat-Scoot Division Champ - Ray Jasutis, Pathetics
Semper-Bing Division Champ - Dan Klinkhamer, Tacky Cardias
Ninja-Zitos Division Champ - Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?

All-Star Co-Champs
Brandon Olivarria, Bleed Blue
Marc Cabrera & Laith Agha, Chowder Clam
Scott Forstner, Forty Ounce Guzzlers
Vince Livernois, Hahnyacher
Dan Klinkhamer, Tacky Cardias
Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?

2009 Payouts

$540 - David Edison, Cameltowing, Inc.
$540 - Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?

$305 - Dan Klinkhamer, Tacky Cardias, 3rd Place Hitting Standings + Semper-Bing Division Champ + All-Star Co-Champ

$275 - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue, Playoff Champ + Chowder-Suck Division Champ

$155 - Scott Forstner, Forty Ounce Guzzlers, El-Wee! Division Champ + All-Star Co-Champ

$150 - Tony Livernois, Pepino Monos, Pitching Champ
$150 - Sue Klinkhamer, Natsox, Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ

$125 - Jim Johnson, Bad Spinach, A-Cox Division Champ
$125 - Vern Fisher, Cantrell's House, 2nd Place Bleed-T-Birds Division
$125 - Jeren Livernois, Keep on Shockin', Guzz-Nats Division Champ
$125 - Ray Jasutis, Pathetics, Pat-Scoot Division Champ
$125 - Katie Jane Surratt, Team of Ninjaviduals, 2nd Place Ninja-Zitos Division

$30 - Brandon Olivarria, Bleed Blue, All-Star Co-Champ
$30 - Marc Cabrera & Laith Agha, Chowder Clam, All-Star Co-Champ
$30 - Vince Livernois, Hahnyacher, All-Star Co-Champ

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
The Santa Lechuga Power League crowned David "Eddie" Edison, owner of Cameltowing, Inc., as the official 2009 Overall Champ Wednesday night, making him the first-ever two-time champ in the 109-year history of the SLPL. "I can't believe I'm the first two-time champ," Eddie said. "I know this league has had some dominant teams over the years. "You go grow up hearing about legendary early championship teams like 'Teddy's Bull Moose' and ''Teapot Foam Scandal" and you can't believe you did something they never did. This is a rockin' league with a storied history, and I'm proud that Cameltowing, Inc., will go down in history as the first-ever two-time champ."

After last night's World Series game, Commissioner Rube Furrow presented Eddie with one of those huge whiteboard checks for $540. "Cameltowing is a team for the ages. To do something that teams like 'I Like Trikes' and 'Rosalynn's Peanut Farmer' were never able to do is simply incredible," Furrow said. "The ghost of teams past are looking down in awe at what Eddie accomplished this season."

Meanwhile, Furrow congratulated last year's champ, Mark Olivarria of Dodger Blue for being crowned the Playoff Champ. "Mark made a slew of trades at the end of the season. And while he wasn't able to make up enough ground during the playoffs to win it all, he's to be congratulated for winning the Playoffs.

Here are all the official champs and payouts for the 2009 season:

2009 Champs

Playoff Champs
Overall Champ - David Edison, Cameltowing, Inc.
Playoff Champ - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue
Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool – N/A*

*No champ was named for the Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool since none of the soon-to-be worm-fooders chose to die this season. Again. Dangit.

Regular Season Champs
Regular Season Champ - Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?
Hitting Champ - Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?
Pitching Champ - Tony Livernois, Pepino Monos
Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ - Sue Klinkhamer, Natsox
A-Cox Division Champ - Jim Johnson, Bad Spinach
Bleed-T-Birds Division Champ - David Edison, Cameltowing, Inc.
Chowder-Suck Division Champ - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue
El-Wee! Division Champ - Scott Forstner, Forty Ounce Guzzlers
Guzz-Nats Division Champ - Jeren Livernois, Keep on Shockin'
Pat-Scoot Division Champ - Ray Jasutis, Pathetics
Semper-Bing Division Champ - Dan Klinkhamer, Tacky Cardias
Ninja-Zitos Division Champ - Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?

All-Star Co-Champs
Brandon Olivarria, Bleed Blue
Marc Cabrera & Laith Agha, Chowder Clam
Scott Forstner, Forty Ounce Guzzlers
Vince Livernois, Hahnyacher
Dan Klinkhamer, Tacky Cardias
Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?

2009 Payouts

$540 - David Edison, Cameltowing, Inc.
$540 - Suzie Rochellle, Who’s On First?

$305 - Dan Klinkhamer, Tacky Cardias, 3rd Place Hitting Standings + Semper-Bing Division Champ + All-Star Co-Champ

$275 - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue, Playoff Champ + Chowder-Suck Division Champ

$155 - Scott Forstner, Forty Ounce Guzzlers, El-Wee! Division Champ + All-Star Co-Champ

$150 - Tony Livernois, Pepino Monos, Pitching Champ
$150 - Sue Klinkhamer, Natsox, Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ

$125 - Jim Johnson, Bad Spinach, A-Cox Division Champ
$125 - Vern Fisher, Cantrell's House, 2nd Place Bleed-T-Birds Division
$125 - Jeren Livernois, Keep on Shockin', Guzz-Nats Division Champ
$125 - Ray Jasutis, Pathetics, Pat-Scoot Division Champ
$125 - Katie Jane Surratt, Team of Ninjaviduals, 2nd Place Ninja-Zitos Division

$30 - Brandon Olivarria, Bleed Blue, All-Star Co-Champ
$30 - Marc Cabrera & Laith Agha, Chowder Clam, All-Star Co-Champ
$30 - Vince Livernois, Hahnyacher, All-Star Co-Champ

Congrats to all out winners and thanks everyone for joining us this season! We look forward to seeing you all next season.

Pedregoso Rios
VP of Creepy

P.S. If you haven't paid your ownership and trade fees, get on it already. We need to cut some championship checks! (Check Who Owes What to see what you owe. And if you've already paid and we haven't noted it, please let us know.) Send your check to:

Joe Livernois
459 Echo Valley Road
Salinas, CA 93907

If it's more convenient you can pay your derelict debt on PayPal.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
Commissioner Rube Furrow really doesn’t like to resort to such tactics, but he needs owners who have not yet paid their ownership fees and/or trades to understand that he will employ Bob if needed:

To avoid a date with Bob, send a check for the amount you owe to:

Joe Livernois
459 Echo Valley Road
Salinas, CA 93907

Or, you can always pay with PayPal here.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
If the Phillies can’t kick it into gear tonight, we may very soon be crowning the 2009 SLPL Overall Champ. And while we really want to crown the champ, I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that I’d rather the Phillies find a way to turn this into a decent World Series. Thus far it’s been anything but decent.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
Last night a fall classic
Pinstripe show in the series ---
The Yankees got beat

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
Upside: The World Series begins today.

Downside: The Yankees are in the World Series.

Upside: I have a team to root against.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
With the Yankees win last night, the SLPL now moves into the World Series, where the most serious points can be earned. Check this out:

. Hitters earn 100 points for every home run hit
. Hitters lose 10 points for every K
. Pitchers earn 10 points for every K
. Pitchers lose 50 points for every homer surrendered

Left on SLPL rosters are eight hitters (four Phillies and four Yankees) and three pitchers (all Yankees). David “Eddie” Edison’s Cameltowing Inc. currently owns the top spot in the Overall Standings by 79 points and also owns the top spot in the Playoff standings by nine points. Eddie has five hitters and one pitcher left on his roster.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
Fellow league owners who are groaning that Cameltowing’s David “Eddie” Edison is primed to become the first repeat SLPL Overall Champ should just cool their jets. Dude’s got responsibilities. Dude’s responsibilities are about to exponentially increase. And dude’s got financial obligations. Dude’s financial obligations are about to significantly increase.

Here, I’ll let him explain (via his Facebook status):

“20-week ultrasound this afternoon -- the envelope is going to stay closed. The surprise will come in early March.”

And then there’s this:

“Ultrasound went well...everything is on track and looks good.”

So it appears that Dave and Katie are expecting an, uh, envelope sometime in March.

On behalf of the Santa Lechuga Power League, congrats to Eddie and Katie!

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
David “Eddie” Edison’s Cameltowing Inc. took a big step toward becoming the first two-time SLPL Overall Champion last night off the bat of Johnny Damon. Eddie, who originally won the crown in 2006, has leap-frogged over two teams since the Playoffs began and now holds a 79-point lead over Dan Klinkhamer, owner of Tacky Cardias, and a 140-point lead over Regular Season Champ Suzie “Fricken’” Rochellle, owner of Who’s On First? For Dan to win it all Johnny Damon can’t hit another home run and will have to strike out eight times during the World Series. For Suzie to win, she needs her wildcard players to offset her current deficit of points and any additional points A-Rod or Damon might earn. With points worth so much during the World Series, neither scenario is out of the question, but Damon’s HR last night gave Eddie a little cushion to work with.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
Sucks to be Dan Klinkhamer. The Tacky Cardias owner today is wondering what the heck happened to his two-day, one-point Overall lead when all he needs to know is that Johnny Damon happened. See, as was described here on 10/18, Dan made some nifty trades going into the playoffs, nearly entirely neutralizing David “Eddie” Edison’s Cameltowing Inc. by nearly entirely having the exact same roster as Eddie. Nearly entirely. Trouble is, Dan didn’t make that last trade for Damon, who Eddie has. And while Damon has been a bag full of strikeouts during the first several games of the playoffs, he hit a dong yesterday, which propelled Cameltowing from third place into first place Overall. Which means that it’s now Dan who is the favorite to play the lead in the Marty Feldman bio-pic.

Dan Klinkhamer, aka Marty Feldman

Dan’s only hope at this point is that Damon doesn’t hit another dong during the playoffs but continues to strike out at a goodly rate so that his Tacky Cardias can make up the 29-point deficit. Meanwhile, he and Eddie have got to both hope that none of Suzie “Fricken’” Rochellle’s three wildcard players (Ibanez, Ethier, Morales) hit a couple home runs for her Who’s On First? and overtake them both.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
Dan Klinkhamer, owner of Tacky Cardias, is in first place. This is a fairly remarkable feat considering that Dan, who bumped Suzie Rochellle’s Who’s On First?, wasn’t in first place even once during the entire season. Heck, it wasn’t until the last week of the season he was even in second place, when he overtook David Edison’s Cameltowing Inc. After moving into second place, Dan made a brilliant move -- a move that earned his ears more than a dozen unique swear words from Edison’s mouth -- when he made two trades on the final day of the Regular Season to make his playoff roster nearly identical to Eddie’s, thereby almost entirely neutralizing Eddie’s chances of overtaking him. The only wildcard in play right now is Johnny Damon; if Damon hits a dong before the playoffs are over, Eddie will likely hear some of those unique cuss words repeated back to him from Dan. But holy schmoly, people, we have a new leader!

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ today for G.O.P.d Their Pants owner Kyaathy Livernois, who is today celebrating a birthday. Kyaathy (she says it like I’ve spelled it) was having a pretty good year early in the season but fell out of contention after a few of her studs just stopped being productive. She made a few trades to try to fix the problem, but those didn’t pan out like she hoped either. Oh, well. She’ll be in the mix next season, no doubt.

Anyway, a big Happy Birthday to Kathy! The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce bobbles for you:

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
It has recently been brought to our attention -- and I’m not naming names because that might embarrass our current league leader, which seems an unseemly thing to do -- that some owners are tracking their playoff stats the old-fashioned way, using crinkled-up ruled notebook paper . This is unnecessary. We here at the SLPL have created handy-dandy stats that are built right in to this here website. See that line of links just below this paragraph, the one labeled “Playoffs:”? Yeah, that. Those links, which are updated pretty quickly after the playoff games for the night are done (or the next morning, at the latest), give you all the details you need to track the SLPL playoffs. Click one now and then note that the same links are available under the Playoffs tab toward the top of this page, too.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
This is the time of the playoffs that we really begin to separate the wheat from the chaff. Check out how points are awarded during the League Championship Series, which begins tonight:

. Hitters earn 50 points for every home run hit
. Hitters lose 5 points for every K
. Pitchers earn 5 points for every K
. Pitchers lose 20 points for every homer surrendered

I mean, c’mon! Those are some serious pointages, people.

Hey, speaking of chaff, Commissioner Rube Furrow has got a really bad chaffing problem and has been experimenting with several ointments to try to clear it up. If anyone has any suggestions -- outside of changing his underwear more than once a week, which he absolutely refuses to do -- please post them up in the Got Something to Say? area.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
Lindsay Hicks, daughter Summer Sausages owner Jim Hicks and big sister of Democratic Alliance for the Betterment of Hong Kong owner Ian Hicks, is doing the whole famn damily proud by being bathed in Hoosier red on the Official Athletics Site of Indiana University. Lindsay, a freshman, is a manager for the storied Hoosier Women’s Swimming & Diving Team. Her mom Renea notes that Lindsay would be swimming for their JV team were it not for those pesky conflicting academics requirements (aka, classes). Renea further notes that her and Jim rather intentionally spelled her name with an “a” and not an “e,” which should make Lindsay proud that she’s not in any way associated with the sullied Hoosier Spelling and Grammar Team.

Lindsay Hicks, Hoosier Swimming & Diving
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Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
That was one sorry round of Division Series. Three three-and-outs ... and one four game series. The Yankees are still in it. The Dodgers are still in it. Weak. Sauce.

Here’s hoping the round of League Championship Series is better than that.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
Last year’s Overall Champ Mark Olivarria, owner of Dodger Blue, has moved atop the Playoff Standings after making a slew of astute trades during the ninth inning of the Twins-Tigers one-game playoff. Mark is in 6th place in the Overall Standings and hoping to make up serious ground by the end of the World Series.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios

The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ today for Fetacelli Rats owner Michael Pieper, who yesterday got married to the most lovely and beautiful Melanie Broholm. The Rats weren’t much of a force in the Santa Lechuga Power League this year, but we knew The Pipe would have other things to be worried about as he got ready for his wedding. So, as we say here in the Chicagoland, wait ‘til next year, Michael. In the meantime, enjoy your honeymoon. And from all of us here at the SLPL, CONGRATULATIONS to you and Melanie!

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
Commissioner Rube Furrow's auditors are furrowing their brows and are growling at him a Michael Vick champion after reviewing the ledger sheet on the SLPL web page entitled "Who Owes What." It seems as if the entire league is in arrears. Inasmuch as Rube must soon cut checks to the winners, he and the auditors have a major concern that there is a huge discrepancy between the league's revenues and the league's responsibilities for winner distributions.

If you're a winner, Rube is happy to deduct your debt from the winnings. If you're a loser, please remit checks soonest to:

Joe Livernois
459 Echo Valley Road
Salinas CA 93907

Muchos gracias.

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
The Santa Lechuga Power League has posted playoff standings and stats! Check out the Playoffs tab above, where we have posted Overall standings, Playoff standings, playoff hitter stats, playoff pitcher stats, and team-by-team playoff stats. We will update these daily until the end of the World Series.

Rochellle Accepts Regular Season Crown
Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle made the following statement yesterday while standing on the field in front of a packed house at Lou Gehrig Stadium:

“As owner of Who’s on First?, I would like to thank all the special people who made this year’s 2009 Santa Lechuga Power League Regular Season Championship mine. Thank you to Commissioner Rube Furrow, Police Chief Espy Espinosa, John Steinbeck and all the other cronies at the head office; to Abbott and Costello, for their comedy routine that inspired my team’s theme; to the glorious first basemen of the National and American Baseball Leagues; to the fans of Lou Gehrig Stadium who attended the 2,130 consecutive games for the last 17 years just to hear me say, finally: “I (I, I, I) consider (onsider, onsider, onsider) myself (yself, yself, yself) the luckiest (uckiest, uckiest, uckiest) woman (oman, oman, oman) on the face of this earth (earth, earth, earth)”; to the Bobblehead-of-Lettuce, for bob-, bob-, bobbling along; to David Edison of Cameltowing, Inc. and Dan Klinkhamer of Tacky Cardias, for giving me a hell of a run and keeping things (too!) interesting until the end, to the losers in the SLPL, without whom I would not have become the Regular Season Champ; and last but not least, to Pedregoso Rios, who has given our illustrious league hours and hours of his time so that we, the team owners, can be entertained and amused while sitting on our asses waiting for the money to pour in!!!”

Playoffs: At-A-Glance | Overall | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | Team Stats | Past Leaders
Final Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
It’s official. Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle, owner of Who’s On First?, has finally been officially crowned the 2009 Regular Season Champ of the Santa Lechuga Power League! In the 107-year history of the SLPL, there’s simply nothing to match the pure surprise, the pure wonder, the pure weirdness of having Suzie -- the master of the Theme Team -- win anything in this league, much less a major championship. From a “holy schmoly!” perspective, Suzie winning the Regular Season rates, on a ten-point scale, an easy 11. From a “WTF” perspective, it rates a 15. Serious, serious props are due to Suzie. For sticking with her Theme Team approach at the start of the season to making key anti-theme trades when she became competitive. For losing the lead late in the season without losing her head and still finding a way to prevail. For being crowned the 2009 Regular Season Champ! Congratulations to Suzie and her owner and manager, Abbott & Costello!

2009 Regular Season Champ, Suzie Rochellle

Other Champs Crowned
Meanwhile, a whole host of other champs have been crowned in a whole host of other categories. Here are the other 2009 champs, who were crowned at the end of the Regular Season:

• Hitting Champ: Who’s On First?, Suzie Rochellle
• Pitching Champ: Pepino Monos, Tony Livernois
• Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ: Natsox, Sue Klinkhamer
• A-Cox Division Champ: Bad Spinach, Jim Johnson
• Bleed-T-Birds Division Champ: Cameltowing, Inc., David Edison
• Chowder-Suck Division Champ: Dodger Blue, Mark Olivarria
• El-Wee! Division Champ: Forty Ounce Guzzlers, Scott Forstner
• Guzz-Nats Division Champ: Keep on Shockin', Jeren Livernois
• Pat-Scoot Division Champ: Pathetics, Ray Jasutis
• Semper-Bing Division Champ: Tacky Cardias, Dan Klinkhamer
• Ninja-Zitos Division Champ: Who’s On First?, Suzie Rochellle

Congrats to all our champs!
Payouts
To see how the winnings will be distributed at the end of the playoffs, click here. Pay special note to the Special Note, the Dreaded Sam Clause, and the Rube Clause.
Playoffs
Speaking of the playoffs, they begin today, which means no rest for the wicked. To see how points are awarded for the playoffs, click here. For the record, there are no more trades.

Once again, CONGRATULATIONS to all our champs!!! Good luck in the postseason!

Note: Final Regular Season stats and standings won’t be posted until later today. I’ve gotta make a few enhancements to my Excel spreadsheet to accommodate the playoffs before I can post everything up.

Regular Season: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
Remember yesterday how we said that yesterday might not be the last day of the Regular Season? Yeah, that. Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle’s Who’s On First? won’t officially be crowned Regular Season Champ -- and neither will our Division Champs, the Hitting Champ, the Pitching Champ, nor the Power-Hitting Pitching Champ -- until after tomorrow night’s one-game playoff to determine the Division Champ of the AL Central. Damnit.

But hey, you can still make a trade to beef up your playoff roster.

Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios

David Edison, aka Marty Feldman

David “Eddie” Edison’s eyes are seriously bugging now, do doubt. After last night’s action, his Detroit Tigers fell into a tie with the Minnesota Twins. Worse than that, Eddie’s Cameltowing, Inc., fell out of second place in the SLPL, losing the spot to Dan Klinkhamer’s Tacky Cardias. Only one point separates Eddie and Dan, and a Tigers win and a Twins loss today puts the Tigers in the playoffs, so nothing’s over yet. Having said that, it must be frustrating as hell for Eddie, who just a week ago stopped Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle’s Who’s On First? 107-day reign as league leader.

(Maybe) Last Day of Regular Season; Trading Ends
Today is (maybe) the last day of the Regular Season, which means that we will (maybe) crown our Regular Season Champ tonight, when the final pitch of the final game is thrown. But with one more game possible to determine if the Tigers or Twins will be division champ, our Regular Season may go on for another day. In addition to crowning the Regular Season Champ tonight (maybe), we’ll also crown the Division Champs, the Hitting and Pitching Champs, and the Power-Hitting Pitching Champ at the end of the Regular Season.

Teams looking to beef up their rosters with additional playoff players will need to make their final trades before the last pitch of the last game of the Regular Season, whenever the damn thing ends. Which is to say, you can’t make any more trades during the playoffs.

For a refresher on how the Payouts work, click here. To see The Pot, click here. For a refresher on how points are awarded during the playoffs, click here and read “Core Standings.” For a reminder of who you have on your roster, click here. To make a trade, click here.

Good luck, you frontrunners! To the rest of you, pick a favorite horse and place your bets now.

Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios

The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ today for Ian Hicks (aka Old Mackey) owner of Democratic Alliance for the Betterment of Hong Kong, who’s celebrating his 16th birthday today. Though a past champ, Ian’s Democratic Alliance has had a rough season in the SLPL. Word is that his ownership group was furious with him when the roster he submitted at the beginning of the season included the likes of Mike Wilson (who?) and former pitcher Rick Ankiel. After Ian tried to drop Ankiel, his ownership group became even more infuriated and cut him off from the funds he needed to make additional trades. We expect Ian will be more competitive next season.

On a side note, later in the season Ian got his revenge on majority owner Fat Bastard (aka Jim Hicks) when he shared with this blog this photo of Bastard:

Fat Bastard, The Dragon?

Happy Birthday, Ian. Kick butt on your driver’s test Monday!

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By Pedregoso Rios
Word is that David “Eddie” Edison, owner of Cameltowing Inc., is developing an eye problem that would place him on the shortlist of people to play in a Marty Feldman bio-pic. You see, for the past month Eddie has had one eye constantly trained on the Live Stats Tracker to see which Cameltowing players had hit home runs while keeping the other eye constantly on the MLB Scoreboard to see if his Tigers were fending off the Twins.

David Edison, aka Marty Feldman

Unfortunately for David, his eyes likely bugged out yesterday when he saw his Tigers drop the first game of a doubleheader to the Twins and he saw his Cameltowing lose more ground to Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle, owner of Who’s On First?, who now leads Cameltowing by 41 points. Fortunately, the Tigers won the second game of the doubleheader, dropping heir Magic Number to 2.

Eddie will win something in the SLPL before this is over. He may not win the Regular Season or the Overall, but at a minimum he’ll win the Bleed-T-Birds Division. We just hope he doesn’t have to spend any of his winnings at the opthamologist.

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By Pedregoso Rios
On last night’s action, Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle, owner of Who’s On First?, extended her lead by four points over David “Eddie” Edison, owner of Cameltowing Inc. So, with five days left in the Regular Season, Suzie’s lead over Eddie is 31 points.

Now is as good a time as any to present the following visual metaphor for the season. (If you’re prone to seasickness, don’t stare at this for too long.) As you gaze at the following, ponder the fact that Suzie’s teams in the past have been perpetual league chum whose players were chosen on some cockamamie themes. And she began with a theme this year, too! Yeah, okay, choosing a team filled with nothing but first basemen has a better chance of succeeding than choosing, say, a team of players whose names sound like they might be from Luxembourg, but still! This season, Suzie’s Theme Team has kicked butt the entire year and may very well win the Regular Season championship. Trippy, eh?

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By Pedregoso Rios
Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle’s Who’s On First? added ten points to her lead over David “Eddie” Edison’s Cameltowing Inc. with yesterday’s action. Meanwhile, there are rumblings that Commissioner Rube Furrow has ended his months-long sabbatical (see also: bender) and may soon address league owners about this phenomenal season. It will be Rube’s third address to owners this season but his first since learning that Suzie really does lead the league and really has been a contender the whole season. In a bout of delusional paranoia, Furrow apparently thought this website and the season’s worth of standings had been an elaborate joke perpetrated on him as some sort of revenge for banning tequila popper sales after the eighth inning before the season began. (What he doesn’t know is that our revenge will be much more subtle and way more painful.) So, look for Rube to wipe the egg from his face in a league announcement coming soon.

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By Pedregoso Rios
And now Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle’s Who’s On First? has overtaken David “Eddie” Edison’s Cameltowing Inc., officially ending Eddie’s one-consecutive-day hold on the top spot. So this is how it’s going to be until the end of the season. I see. It’s going to be a dog fight. It’s going to be a battle of the heavyweights. It’s going to be a horse race. Grab your kids and get some popcorn, Marge. Tighten your seat belts. It’s going to be fun!

(And we haven’t even mentioned the fact that Dan Klinkhamer’s Tacky Cardias are sitting just 42 points out of first place with five players on his roster that Suzie doesn’t have. How nutty does this get if Dan starts passing teams up?)

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By Pedregoso Rios
With just one week of the Regular Season left, David “Eddie” Edison’s Cameltowing Inc. has finally overtaken Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle’s Who’s On First? in the Overall Standings, officially ending Suzie’s 107-consecutive-day hold on the top spot. Oh my. What a season!

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By Pedregoso Rios
League veteran Steve McNelley, owner of Guzzlyn Suds, has been pretty quiet this year. What, with preparing for a newborn and working for the Blackhawks, he’s barely had enough time to sleep, much less ponder how he’s doing in the Santa Lechuga Power League. But on September 23, Steve saw himself in second place in the Guzz-Nats Division, just tens of points from overtaking Jeren “Skeeter” Livernois’ Keep On Shockin’. That’s when the league’s front offices received this e-mail: “Guzzlyn Suds would like to trade Josh Hamilton of Texas for Derrick Lee of Chicago Cubs.” Later in the day, at a press conference, Steve announced: “I’m trying to make a run at my division…without spending too much to maybe win.” Suds fans were excited, happy to see their owner take a more active role in the fate of the team. Two days later, though, disaster struck, prompting Steve to write: “I don’t touch my lineup all season…keeping my costs down, and make one move only to find out he spazzed out when he got slapped by a man named Angel. The Suds are packing up our equipment, heading home, and hoping for the best. Good thing hockey season is underway.”

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By Pedregoso Rios
Gonna run a little behind on posting the standings and updating the blog tomorrow. Find other ways to amuse yourself in the meantime.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Seven points separate league leader Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle, owner of Who’s On First?, and David “Eddie” Edison, owner of Cameltowing Inc., in the Overall Standings. I’m not saying. I’m just saying.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Eight current and past owners are dividing duties this season by participating in a fantasy football league, the Fox Valley Fantasy Football League (FVFFL), which is being run by Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer. The FVFFL starts in ernest today.

The FVFFL is the antithesis of everything the Santa Lechuga Power League stands for. Where the SLPL wants to "focus on the 'power' and call it a 'power league,'" an owner in FVFFL has to worry whether the kicker's spikes are an ounce too heavy so he doesn't fluff one to the right.

Where the SLPL likes to keep "rosters simple by allowing team owners to share players," the FVFFL had an actual draft so that, you know, the same team wouldn't end up with the same player. (See draft board below.) There's even some nonsense talk about a "supplemental draft," whatever that hell that is.

While the SLPL likes for owners to be able to "choose their teams at the beginning of the year, sit back, and watch to see how they did," FVFFL owners have to set their rosters at least once a week, figure out who to play, who to bench, track injury reports daily, and read up to 11 local sports pages to see what's being said by the reporters closest to the players. I mean, hell, it's like I'm an actual NFL head coach ... except I had to pay to get into the league instead of making millions a year to decide whether or not Santonio Holmes is matched up well against Tennesee's secondary. (He was. He snagged me 17.5 points Thursday night.)

The SLPL likes to recruit new owners every season with the phrase: "No tedious stats tracking. No negotiating with fellow owners to try to swap shortstops. No geeking out. Come join our league." The FVFFL, on the other hand, recruits its owners with the phrase: "Tedious stats tracking! Negotiation with fellow owners to try to swap tight ends! Geeking out! Come join our league."

I know I sound like I'm bitching, but I'm not at all. I was in a similar league for a few years with a couple of my fellow SLPL Boyz/Girl, but the balance of the owners were lawyers. At the core was a good league populated by humorless, witless sharks. So, Kevin dumped the dead weight and got the band back together, this time with cool owners. I'm totally game for a well-run league populated by cool SLPL-worthy owners, especially when I think I have a good chance of kicking their asses. (BTW, David Edison, get ready for a stomping today. You may be all cool and in second place in SLPL, but you're going to be oh-and-one in the FVFFL by the time Monday Night Football signs off tomorrow night.)

SLPL owners are welcome to keep track of the FVFFL by signing on as a guest here.

Here's to Week 1! Go Bad-Touch Football!

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By Pedregoso Rios

There are mere hours left to make a $15 trade -- $20 trades begin with the first pitch of today's games -- so getchyer final $15 trades to us before then. To recap:

• Owners can make $15 trades until the first pitch of the first game played today; after that, all trades through the end of the Regular Season will be $20. When the Regular Season ends, trading ends for the season.
• Trades made yesterday will be in effect as of today.
• Trades made today, as always, will be in effect tomorrow.
• We will not show on the website any trades made yesterday until the trade deadline has passed today.
• We will not show on the website any trades made today until tomorrow.

Good luck! And Happy Labor Day!

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By Pedregoso Rios

We foreshadowed the death of the $15 trade earlier, but here’s how the deadline will work:

• Owners can make $15 trades until the first pitch of the first game played on Monday; after that, all trades through the end of the Regular Season will be $20. After that, no more trades.
• If you make a $15 trade on Sunday night, before midnight Eastern Standard Time, your trade will in effect for Monday’s games.
• If you make a trade anytime Monday -- be it a $15 trade or $20 trade -- your trade won’t be in effect until Tuesday.
• This here website will not show any trades made on Sunday until the trade deadline has passed on Monday.
• This here website will not show any trades made on Monday until Tuesday.

Good luck!

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By Pedregoso Rios
Six points separate league leader Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle, owner of Who’s On First, and David “Eddie” Edison, owner of Cameltowing Inc., in the Overall Standings. I’m not saying. I’m just saying.

You know what? I am saying. Here are the stats for the two teams over the past four weeks:

Stats for Who’s On First, Past 28 Days


Stats for Cameltowing, Inc., Past 28 Days
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By Pedregoso Rios
Nineteen points separate Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle, owner of Who’s On First, and David “Eddie” Edison, owner of Cameltowing Inc., in the Overall Standings. I’m not saying. I’m just saying.

Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders | All-Star
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By Pedregoso Rios
The end of the Regular Season is just around the corner, which means the era of the $15 trade is almost over. Trades will go up to $20 with the first pitch of the first game next Monday, September 6.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Our eyes have recently been on past champ David “Eddie” Edison, owner of Cameltowing Inc., who’s been making the move on Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle, owner of Who’s On First, for the top spot in the league. But maybe we should have been watching out for Dan Klinkhamer, owner of Tacky Cardias, who today passed Eddie, moved into second place, and is just 58 points behind Suzie. C’mon, Dan, you surprise people like that and you’ll give ‘em a heart attack.

Speaking of eyes ...

As long as we’re talking about Dan, we may as well show another picture of his most beautific granddaughter, Santa Anna’s owner Anna Pankoke. So, here goes. (Tip of the ballcap to Bauer’s Bandits owner Julie Pankoke, who forwarded these pics our way.)

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By Pedregoso Rios
We learned in our 7/26 entry that Santa Anna’s owner Anna Pankoke was crowned Cutest Damn Owner In the League. And then we saw this picture, which means we now need to find an even greater title to give her.

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By Pedregoso Rios
It’s coming down to the final month of the season and we have ourselves a race! Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle, owner of Who’s On First, has held the top spot for quite some time but is now hearing footsteps. Past champ David “Eddie” Edison, owner of Cameltowing Inc., has closed Suzie’s lead to under 50 points after being down by more than 150. And with each team carrying more difference-makers than neutralizers, Eddie may easily catch up as long as his guys keep doing what they’ve been doing the past month.

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By Pedregoso Rios
There are two weeks left before the final month of the season, which means there are only two weeks before trades go from $15/per to $20/per. The final day to trade at $15 will be Sunday, September 6.

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By Pedregoso Rios
The league just approved a bump in payouts to Division Champs, meaning that the least amount of coin a team will scrape off the table at the end of the season will be $125. (In the event of a tie in a payout, the least amount the co-champs will split will be $125.)

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By Pedregoso Rios
Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle’s Who’s On First? has been in first place for two months. I guess it’s time to start taking her seriously.

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By Pedregoso Rios
If you want to know why Pedregoso Rios is feeling spite today, check out the ballplayer holding the 12th position in the following list of current home run leaders:

Russell Branyan. Dude already had more home runs at the All-Star break this season than he did the entire season that Pedregoso drafted him for his Pepino Monos, when Branyan was being touted as the Next Big Thing ... eight years ago.

Get bent, Branyan.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Thanks, one and all, for allowing me the three-day reprieve from official blog-posting and standings-updating. The Pitchfork Music Festival was outstanding, the batteries are all re-charged and I’m feeling good. And while we didn’t get to see anything as, uh, interesting as the lettuce bikinis that I posted Friday, you unfortunately didn’t get to see the many interesting things that were to be seen at Pitchfork, like the Cindy Lou Who of All Festival Goers being accompanied by the Asian MC Hammer. Hey, Asian MC Hammer, the 80s called and they want those pants back. (Or is it: Hey, Asian MC Hammer, the 00’s called and the don’t want those pants here?)

So anyways, glad to see the league’s still intact and still running like a top. But I do have one favor to ask: If you know of any SLPL pitchers that hit a home run this weekend, please e-mail me at pedregoso@santa-lechuga.com.

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By Pedregoso Rios

The’ve Only Just Begun
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By Pedregoso Rios

Soon To Be Extinct

Getchyer $10 trades in before 7:00 pm tonight (Eastern time) ‘cause they’re going up to $15 after that. And while you’re at it, why not check out how much you owe and pay your fees?

Good luck in the second half of the season!

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By Pedregoso Rios

Remember how pissed off we all were when the All-Star Game ended in a tie several years ago? Well, yeah, that. Last night’s All-Star game produced two SLPL pitchers who threw strikeouts and two SLPL hitters who struck out. There were no home runs either way. For comparison, last season my Excel spreadsheet could barely accommodate all the columns I had to add for all the K’s in the game, by both pitchers and hitters. And there was even a dong. Best of all, last season we had a single winner. This season? Not so much.

Okay, okay, I’ll try to show some enthusiasm for the rest of the entry, I promise...

The upside of last night’s game is that the Santa Lechuga Power League crowned six--count ‘em, six!--All-Star Co-Champs. The co-champs are: Bleed Blue’s Brandon Olivarria, Chowder Clam’s Marc Cabrera & Laith Agha, Forty Ounce Guzzlers’ Scott Forstner, Hahnyacher’s Vince Livernois, Tacky Cardias’ Dan Klinkhamer, and Who’s On First?’s Suzie Rochellle. For having squeezed 50 points out of last night’s anemic game--in addition to the 250 Home Run Derby points Monday night--these six teams get to split $150, which means those six teams have just covered the cost of their ownership fees.

Meanwhile, the SLPL Rules Committee has convened an emergency meeting this morning to figure out how to apply the Magic Number principle to the All-Star Game in future seasons. Recall that the Magic Number is intended to break the logjam of ties by reducing the number of owners who tie while increasing the size of the payout checks for winners. One idea being floated is, only in the event of a tie, to apply the Magic Number to the winning pitcher’s jersey number. If this rule had been in place this season, you’d use Papelbon jersey number, 58; since our Magic Numbers only go up to 31, we'd add the 5 and 8 together to get 13. That would mean that Scott Forstner, with Magic Number 13, would have received extra points and would have been crowned sole champ. (Sorry we didn’t have the foresight to have this rule in place already Scott!)

The further upside? The second half of the season begins tomorrow.

Speaking of which, if you want to make $10 trades, make ‘em before the first pitch tomorrow. If you want a player active and on your roster for tomorrow’s games, make your trade before midnight tonight. Trades go up to $15 after the first pitch of tomorrow’s first game.

Congrats to our co-champs!

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By Pedregoso Rios

Twenty teams are celebrating Prince Fielder’s win last night in the Home Run Derby. Each of those 20 teams picked up 250 All-Star points. Meanwhile, 11 teams are cursing under their collective breath since they dropped the big ol’ boy from their rosters after Fielder got off to a slow start this season. It always hurts when a trade comes back to bit you in the butt.

Tonight, we crown an All-Star Champ. Here’s how points are awarded during the All-Star Game:

• Hitters earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K
• Pitchers earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered

If you’re one of the 11 teams to drop Fielder, don’t fret. At 150 points per dong, you still have a chance to win it all--the first championship of the ’09 season and $150.

All-Star standings are here. All-Star stats are here.

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By Pedregoso Rios

Tonight’s the HR Derby! Do you have a player on your roster that’s participating? If so, you have a chance to pick up 250 points toward the All-Star Standings. Here are the Derby line-ups (number in parentheses indicate number of SLPL teams with player):

• AL: Carlos, Pena (14), Brandon Inge (0), Nelson Cruz (6), and Joe Mauer (0)
• NL: Albert Pujols (46), Adrian Gonzalez (17), Prince Fielder (20), and Ryan Howard (41)

Good luck!

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By Pedregoso Rios

SLPL league honchos love this time of the season. It’ll take just two days and two events--Monday’s Home Run Derby and Tuesday’s All-Star Game--to crown a champ and cut a check. None of this waiting around for 162 games. None of this playoffs stuff. Nope. Two days. Two events. One champ. One check.

The only other time of the year that we can reliably have this much fun is when Rube’s brother Benny Furrow has his annual bash to celebrate his third divorce from his fourth wife, Kitty, and even that was ruined last year when he accidentally invited her to the party and then married her a fourth time before the sixth round of tequila poppers had arrived. We hate Kitty. (On the upside, the party’s on again this year since Kitty left Benny in March for a blogger from Calipatria, CA.)

Anyway, here’s how points are awarded toward the All-Star Standings:

• If a player on your roster wins the All-Star Home Run Derby, your team picks up 250 points
• Hitters earn 150 points for every home run hit and lose 25 points for every K
• Pitchers earn 25 points for every K and lose 75 points for every homer surrendered

If your team has the most combined points, you win $150.

Remember, points earned toward the All-Star Standings are allocated exclusively to the All-Star Standings and are not allocated to the Overall Standings.

Who do you have playing in the All-Star game? Check the NL roster here and the AL roster here. Remember, you can make trades for additional All-Stars by midnight tonight so that they’re eligible for the Home Run Derby.

Good luck! And, please, don’t invite Kitty to our All-Star viewing party Tuesday night, okay?

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By Pedregoso Rios
Players on SLPL rosters who are currently on a disabled list of some sort:

• Beltran, Carlos 15-DL

• Delgado, Carlos 15-DL

• Dempster, Ryan 15-DL

• Guerrero, Vladimir 15-DL

• Peavy, Jake 15-DL

• Quentin, Carlos 15-DL

• Soto, Geovany 15-DL

• Volquez, Edinson 15-DL
• Webb, Brandon 60-DL

This public service announcement brought to you by Folks Who Encourage You to Dump the Deadweight Before the Second Half of the Season Begins and the Alliance to Build the Pot for Eventual Champs.

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By Pedregoso Rios
We were doin’ some calculamatin’ this mornin’ in preparation for the All-Star break and the expected wave of final $10 trades. While figurin’, we thought it might be fun to figure out what was the best possible score an SLPL team could have assuming it picked the top ten hitters and top five pitchers at the beginning of the season and made no trades. And the score? 2,125 total. That breaks down to 1,652 hitting and 473 pitching points. For comparison’s sake, the current league leader, Suzie Fricken’ Rochellle’s Who’s On First, falls more than 400 points below that mark and sits at 1,721 total points.

Anyway, here’s a quick screen grab from my harried spreadsheet showing how players rank based on SLPL pointages. Check out Cano, who only has 13 home runs but still breaks my 100-point cutoff ‘cause of his low strikeouts. Or look at Gallardo, who has 120 strikeouts but drops hard ‘cause he’s given up 13 dongs.

Anyway, we don’t want to influence the trades you make this All-Star break, but maybe this’ll give you some fodder to work with. If nothing else, do your own calculamatin’ by checking out the current HR Leaders and K Leaders.

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By Pedregoso Rios

The MLB All-Star Game is a week away, which means big things here at the SLPL. Besides another one of our patented side-bets--where teams take their rosters into the Home Run Hitting Contest and All-Star Game in an effort to be crowned the All-Star Champ and earn at least 100 clams--it also marks the end of the reasonably-priced $10 trade. On the first pitch of the first official game after the All-Star game, trades will be bumped up to $15.

Here’s a tip: If you’re planning on making some $10 trades, think hard about when you want to make them. Are the players you’re dropping on the All-Star team? If not, you should make the trade before this Monday so you have the new players on your roster for the Home Run Hitting Contest and the All-Star Game. If the players you’re dropping are on the All-Star team, you might want to leave them on the roster until the Wednesday after the game; the trade will still cost $10, but you’ll have the players on your team to earn All-Star points for you.

A couple more reminders...

You can make your trades here.

You can bone-up on how All-Star points are awarded here.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Uh oh. The following was recently discovered on Commissioner Rube Furrow’s Flip Mino video camera:

Start studying your monkey rodeo statistics now, folks ... I believe the rumors that Rube is scrapping the SLPL next season in favor of starting a Monkey Fantasy Rodeo league may just be true.

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By Pedregoso Rios
We have not been able to verify that Commissioner Rube Furrow intends to scrap the Santa Lechuga Power League next season in favor of a fantasy monkey rodeo league. It doesn’t help, though, that we found the following photo on Rube’s digital camera:

If we hear more, we’ll keep you updated.

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By Pedregoso Rios
...but we love a good horse race! Between Who’s On First?, owned by Suzie Rochellle, Cameltowing, Inc., owned by David Edison, and Apocalypse Dudes, owned by Nate Meyers, this season has already provided a hell of a race. Who do you have your money on?

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By Pedregoso Rios
Will any pitcher besides Carlos Zambrano hit a home run this year?

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By Pedregoso Rios
League officials knew early in the season that this would be a good year, but they’re still taken aback at how serious this ownership group is. Last year on this date, owners had generated a total of $480 in trade fees; this year, owners have already generated $865. Last year, the total pot at the end of the season was $2,265; this year, with the All-Star break more than a month away, the pot already sits at $2,025. Of our 48 teams, all but 13 have made at least one trade. League bigwigs are very happy with this ownership group since, as our mantra says, more trades means more money for our eventual winners.

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By Pedregoso Rios
We noted earlier that SLPL Commissioner Rube Furrow (Joe Livernois) was going to conduct the Monterey Bay Symphony at their annual Memorial Day Concert. Here’s Furrow in all his glory:

For the first time since the inception of the league, Rube Furrow has done the league proud. Congrats, Maestro! You earned that baton.

Updated: From Rube himself: “Here's a better version...be sure to credit Peri Basseri and BigTime Video Services...” Indeed, the picture is better, but beware that the audio is a little hanky.

And here’s a fun photo, courtesy of Russ Cain, from the event:

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By Pedregoso Rios
Cameltowing, Inc., owner David Edison--who’s in the midst of enjoying a recent and sudden rise from mid-pack to 2nd place overall--points out that his whole durn division is doing pretty durn well. “Hey,” Eddie asked, “how about a mention for the Bleed-T-Birds Division, the division with four teams in the top seven of the Overall Standings?” Consider it mentioned!

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By Pedregoso Rios
First, Man-Ram. Now A-Ram. What is it with all these Ramirezes?

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By Pedregoso Rios
SLPL officials are said to be thrilled with the trade activity so far in the season. Compared to only 52 trades at the same time last season, this year’s owners have made a total of 82 trades through the first month of the season, making these guys the most enthused and active group of owners in a long time. Thirty teams have made at least one trade already. One team has even made six trades. Best of all, The Pot, which is shared by league champs at the end of the season, has already swelled to $1,570.

Incidentally, as of today trades are now $10/per and will be that price until the end of the All-Star Break, when trade fees go up to $15.

One last thing: Pedregoso won’t be able to update team rosters until later tomorrow morning. While transactions can be seen here, actual rosters won’t be updated until later. Don’t fret, though ... stats earned today by your new players will be reflected in tomorrow’s standings.

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By Pedregoso Rios

Getchyer $5 trades in before midnight tonight (Eastern time) ‘cause they’re going up to $10 after that. (If you’re wondering who to drop, consider Brandon Webb, Carlos Zambrano or Daisuke Matsuzaka, who are all on the 15-Day DL.) And while you’re at it, why not check out how much you owe and pay your fees?

Good luck!

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By Pedregoso Rios
Today. Tomorrow. After that, trading in this league goes up from $5 to $10. So, getchyer trades in before midnight tomorrow night.

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By Pedregoso Rios
With a home run on April 28th, the first this year by a pitcher on an SLPL roster, Carlos Zambrano propelled Michael Pieper’s Fetacelli Rats into first place in the Power-Hitting Pitchers Standings. Eight other teams have Zambrano on their rosters, but only Pieper had Magic Number 28, which gave him an extra 20 points for matching the date on which the dong was hit.

Since this is the first homer by a pitcher this season, now’s a good time to remind owners of our Power-Hitting Pitching rules:

Power-Hitting Pitchers points will be awarded to teams whose pitchers perform rare feats opposite their specialty. So, pitchers on your pitching roster will be awarded points for hitting a home run. (In 2004, this category was known as Bonus Points.)

• Pitchers earn 20 points for hitting a home run. Additional points may be awarded, depending on the Magic Number.
• Pitchers earn 50 points if the home run is a grand slam. Additional points may be awarded, depending on the Magic Number.

Points earned in this category are allocated exclusively to the Power-Hitting Pitcher Standings and are not allocated to the Overall standings.

In Other News
League bigwigs are thrilled with the lively trading activity this early season and have reallocated some of the Regular Season and Overall champ payouts to All-Star, Hitting, Pitching and Power-Hitting Pitching champs. Those payouts jumped by $25 to a total of $100 apiece.

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By Pedregoso Rios
It’s worth noting that yesterday’s lesson showing the need to balance solid pitching with hitting has already been taken to heart by some owners. The Apocalypse Dudes, who moved into 1st place Overall today, will get some pitching help after Nate Meyers dropped Sabathia and Webb and picked up Greinke and Haren. On making the trades, Nate said: “I strive for more balance. Well, more balance and first place.”

Meanwhile, the Merfelds are making pitching moves, too. Kevin and Mark dropped some deadweight on their pitching staffs, with Kevin justifying his El Hombre’s trade by saying: “Because I have eight more points than Brandon Webb this year. And my fastball tops out at 70 when I try to knock down milk bottles at the Carnival.” Mark’s Shankopotamus are currently in 12th place Overall and Kevin’s El Hombres are in 32nd place.

With 41 $5 trades made so far this season, the pot has grown by $205 since Opening Day and currently sits at $1,365. The $5 trade expires at midnight EST Wednesday, May 6th.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Last season’s Pitching Champ Scott Forstner is showing how a combination of decent hitting and superior pitching can make a difference in this league. His Forty Ounce Guzzlers are only in 4th place in the Hitting standings this season, but they are 1st in Pitching and have been in 1st Overall for the past five days.

To really see why the combination of good hitting and pitching is so important, take a look at Nate Meyers’ Apocalypse Dudes. While in 1st in Hitting, the Dudes are in 26th place in Pitching, dropping them to 2nd Overall, 17 points behind the Guzzlers. Or, consider the Carrboro T-Birds, owned by Brian, Adrian & Benjamin Thornburg, They’re in 2nd place in Hitting but 40th place in pitching, dropping them to 8th place Overall.

The lesson to be learned? Make sure you’ve got balance.

Incidentally, the Thornburgs appear to be learning this lesson. Three of the four trades they’ve made so far this season have been pitching moves.

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By Pedregoso Rios
The $5 trade is an exquisite thing. Because you make it so early in the season, and because it’s so cheap, you can pick up a player you didn’t have before, have him for most of the season, and earn most of his points. For just five clams you can drop dead weight, someone on the DL, or someone you’ve come to dislike because he spits too much. Truly, the $5 trade is a thing off beauty.
I bring this up because there are only 11 days left to make a $5 trade.
Here are some trading reminders:

• You can use our trade form to submit your trades.
• Owners can make ten trades anytime before the end of the Regular Season.
• You must submit your $5 trades by 11:59 pm EST on Tuesday, May 5th.
• The less exquisite $10 trade begins at midnight EST on Wednesday, May 6th.

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By Pedregoso Rios
We don’t know if you noticed, but we here at the technologically bereft SLPL front offices are finally Twittering. (Seriously, what does that even mean?) We haven’t figured out exactly how to make it work for us yet, but for now we’ve decided to post-up breaking news (we were all over the deaths of Kalas and Fidrych, as you’d expect), crucial injuries or DL moves, owner’s smart alec reasons for making trades, and random smart-ass observations. If you’re on Twitter and want to follow us, click this here button:

You don’t need to join Twitter to follow us, though. Just look over there on the right, in the sidebar, under “pedregoso.” Updates on Twitter are reflected in that ugly blue panel.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Sorry for the delay, guys.

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By Pedregoso Rios
Eagled-eye owners probably noticed that the SLPL is not naming divisions after Lettuce Entertain You (LEY) restaurants (e.g., Ben Pao®, Café Barbareeba, Scoozi!, Wow Bao) anymore. LEY notified league officials that they had cancelled their league sponsorship while the officials dined at a Pete’s Hot Dogs in Santa Lechuga Tuesday afternoon. An inside source said that the officials freaked on hearing the news, causing three of them to simultaneously projectile-vomit pieces of hot dog on nearby walls and diners.

In other division news, the SLPL chose a different approach to splitting the teams into divisions. Rather than putting the team names into a ball cap and drawing them, as it had in previous years, the league decided to be lazy-butts this season and just alphabetized the teams into divisions -- seriously ... see for yourself -- then name the divisions by taking portions of names from two teams in each division. We’re partial to the Chowder-Suck Division, though the Guzz-Nats has a nice ring to it, too.

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By Pedregoso Rios
While we’re getting our acts together, why not spend some time getting familiar with the website and all our links? For example, check out the ’09 Stuff tab and all the links. Or, explore all the links under the MLB tab, which keeps you up-to-date on all things related to Major League Baseball.

(Okay, so we’re trying to buy some time over here. We’ll get the standings and stats up as soon as we can, we promise!)

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By Pedregoso Rios
The 2009 Santa Lechuga Power League began yesterday with 48 teams joining the fun, up from last season’s 42 teams. “It’s well short of the 60 teams but we were hoping to have, but we’re taking the long-view,” Commissioner Rube Furrow said. “There’s no riff-raff this season. The veteran teams are all gamers, no doubt, and the new teams look really tough, so we we’re thinking this will be one heck of a competitive season.”

Furrow said 11 new owners have joined the league. “We lost a few, but we gained a lot. The few that we lost were real deadbeats, anyway,” Furrow said. “A couple of them never paid. Worse, they never even tried to be competitive by making trades.”

Last year’s champ Mark Olivarria, owner of Dodger Blue, said he was excited for the new season. “I hope to be the first owner to win back-to-back championships,” Olivarria said. “To those of you who think I can’t do it, I have one word for you: Bring it!!!”

A few administrative things...

First, league officials indicated that standings and stats will not be posted until this weekend at the earliest. “We say this every year, only to get them up in a day or two, but this season we mean it,” VP of Creepy Pedregoso Rios said. “Look, we’re busy. We’ll get to it when we get to it. But once we get to it, it’ll run like a top for the rest of the season. So, relax. Watch some actual games. Then check back here this weekend.”

Second, even though we haven’t posted the standings and stats, you can still make trades. Trades during the first month of the season are $5. If you have a trade, e-mail Rube and Pedregoso with your trades.

Third, Commissioner Furrow will soon be sending a hearty welcome to owners. Be on the lookout for it.

Home, owners should check the list below to confirm that their teams are listed. If you’re not on the list, we didn’t get your roster. Please re-send it to Rube and Pedregoso ASAP.

2009 Teams & Owners
• A Team To Be Named Later, Sue Klinkhamer
• Apocalypse Dudes, Nate Meyers
• Athletic Supporters, Peggy Bocox
• Bad Spinach, Jim Johnson
• Bauer's Bandits, Julie Pankoke
• Big Cox, Jeff Cox
• Bleed Blue, Brandon Olivarria
• BM Blasters, Bill & Maggie Cunning
• Cabbage Farmers, Paul Martin
• Cameltowing, Inc., Dave Edison
• Cantrell's House, Vern Visher
• Carrboro T-Birds, Brian Thornburg, Adrian Thornburg, & Benjamin Thornburg
• Chowder Clam, Marc Cabrera & Laith Agha
• Cougar Hunter, Matt Ramirez
• Democratic Alliance for the Betterment of Hong Kong, Ian Hicks
• Dodger BlueMark Olivarria
• Dongwhipped, Kevin Klinkhamer
• Ed Sox (Yankees Suck), Ed Gross
• El Hombre, Kevin Merfeld
• Fetacelli Rats, Michael Pieper
• Forty Ounce Guzzlers, Scott Forstner
• Full Circuits, Bill Cunning
• G.O.P.d Their Pants, Kathy Livernois
• Guao Wee!, Richard Livernois
• Guzzlyn Suds, Guzzlyn Suds
• Hahnyacher, Vince Livernois
• Hatchetwound, David Adrian
• Highlanders 2009, Rick Coppock
• Keep on Shockin', Jeren Livernois
• Natsox, Sue Klinkhamer
• Pathetics, Ray Jasutis
• Pelons, Matt Martin
• Pepino Monos, Pedregoso Rios
• Sandyeggo Trippers, Jack Tripp
• Santa Anna's, Santa Anna's
• ScootBigs, Scott Allen
• Semper Fidelis Bulldogs, Danielle Collier
• Shankopotamus, Mark Merfeld
• Strokes, Aaron Pankoke
• Summer Sausages, Jim Hicks
• Tacky Cardias, Dan Klinkhamer
• Team Batterbing, Joe DeLeo
• Team of Ninjaviduals, Katie Jane Surratt
• Tres Caballeros, Klinkhamer/Cline
• Washington Bullets, Jim Cummings
• Who’s On First?, Suzie Rochellle
• Willie Bobs, Joe Livernois
• Zippin Zitos, Meg Cox

Welcome to the '09 SLPL! Good luck!

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By Pedregoso Rios
Check out the big brain on Pedregoso! We now have a handy-dandy, high-tech, roster-submittin’ form that you can use to do your roster submittin’. Use it here.

Rosters are due by 1:09 pm EST on Monday, April 6, 2009.

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By Pedregoso Rios

The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce is bobblin’ for the new season to begin. New owners can read our rules here, see how we award payouts here, and read our history here. To see last season’s website, go here. For those who are fans of horror, read about the evil Bobblehead-of-Lettuce here.

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